One week from today, I will be 30. In order to stay focused, I am finding it necessary to write on the process of this journey, and what it is that is really defining about me. To bring it back to center often so that I do not stray from the point. To remain present in the process.
So far, I am learning that I define myself based on both external and internal ways. I am defined by my love for books and words, my hate for my hair, my constant worry about being a healthy weight. I am defined by my innate need to help others, to relate to others, to be a part of something bigger than myself. I am defined by my childhood, my teen years, my twenties.I am defined by the relationships I have, and the ones I've had. I am defined by what I like, what I do, what I don't like, what I don't do. This is a lot to wrap up into a neat little package on some social networking about me box.
So maybe in this last week, I will start to make some conclusions. Start to really nail down who I am in words. Naming things is powerful; it gives context and meaning. It helps to take really big and abstract ideas, and put them into words that can be conveyed to others easily. It makes you take a look at that little blank, taunting, frustrating box on Facebook/Twitter/Etsy/Blogspot/etc., and think to yourself, "Yes! I know who I am, and I am going to write it down perfectly RIGHT NOW!" So, I am ready. Let's start naming.
Conclusion #1: I am a total nerd. I always have been. As previously discussed, I love reading; I think hanging out in libraries and book stores is fun. I talk to myself, I love school, and love doing well in school even more. (One time, in a college class, some of my classmates got their hands on the exam that was being given the next day. It was passed around behind the profs back like a trophy. When it was time to be passed to me, I declined taking it. You can imagine the "she's a loser" looks I got. I felt proud, and got an A on the exam, without cheating.) Sometimes, my perfect night is to sitting at home watching TV with my cat sitting on my lap. I like to read about space, and the science of the ocean. I like the Discovery channel, history class, and spent a large portion of my 4th grade year obsessed with learning about tornadoes. I love Glee. My favorite show of all time is Dawson's Creek. I cry at reality TV shows. I have frizzy hair and not so great skin.
I am ok with being a nerd. I am proud of it. It means I have learned to love the quirky things about me. Plus, the geeks in the world always end up rich, don't they? I am not rich yet, at least not rich with money; I am however, rich with understanding and acceptance of myself.
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.