Friday, March 18, 2011

I can't do this alone.

Day 16

I am really loving going back and reading what I have written over the past two weeks. It is obvious to me when I am in a good mood, or a not so good mood by the way I have written. I am looking for themes, clues, insights. I love seeing people's comments, and insights about me that they are noticing. As my uncle noted, I can be paradoxical, but didn't see it. My sister's comment earlier this week  helped me to see how much we are alike. I have had conversations with lots of people about what they think or are getting from reading along. And almost all of my posts have involved an insight that includes other people, or came to me because of other people. It is no secret that I place a very high value on relationships, and feel they are essential to my purpose in life. So, I think today it is fitting to reflect on those who helped me get to where I am today.

Conclusion: I can't do this alone. Sometimes I think I can (remember that whole control thing), but the truth is, I would not be anyone or anything if it weren't for the people who have been in my life, and are currently in my life. There have been people who come into my life and left really quickly that I learned from. There are others who have been there all along, others who have been there for most. Some were there for the hard stuff and then gone, but remain an influence to this day.

When I was in third grade I did one of the meanest things I have ever done. It has stuck with me all these years. I called a classmate a "fat blimp" in front of my other classmates. It was horrible; I was not a bully, and I can't even say why I did it, but it was likely a feeble attempt to impress my third grade friends. What I remember most about that moment was how I felt afterward; guilt, shame, sadness, anger towards myself that I could be so mean. That interaction was major in my life; I make a living now sticking up for people. That one moment taught me about kindness towards others. Even though my classmate and I weren't ever close friends, I learned from that person. An impression was made.

There are of course others who have made impressions just as major-there is no possible way I could list them all. But chances are, if you know me, you would make the list. If you have seen me cry, made me laugh, cooked me a meal, took care of me while I was sick, given me support, hugged me, been my friend, or loved me you are definitely on this list. If you have made me angry, made me sad, ignored me, made fun of me, or challenged me, you also would make the list, because every one of those interactions contribute to who I am today. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I would be nothing it weren't for the many people who have impacted me.

About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.

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