I am a control freak

Day 13

I am in a metaphorical mood tonight. I woke up this morning after a pretty long day yesterday, and knew within 5 minutes it was going to be another long one. I love water, so I will use a metaphor that makes sense to me- I am surrounded by some pretty big waves right now. And it is really exhausting. So I am trying to take a break. Trying being the key word.

When you are in a clinical graduate program, the professors love to have you focus on your first client, which is yourself. Because of this, I was given the gift of a year of intense self examination, not unlike what I am doing now. One of the most major things I learned during grad school was how I have to be in control. Being in control is pervasive for me...it affects most every major area of my life.

Control...I know the roots of this tendency for myself, and this is not the place to go into it. What I am willing to say is that at one point in my life, control over something, even something really small, was all I had. That is not the case now, and hasn't been for about 14 years, but some habits die hard. This tendency towards control means that I won't ask for help, cause in my mind, I've got it. This may seem like a strength, like I am a leader, competent, in control. But it has a flip side-it means I feel overwhelmed sometimes. It means I end up taking on too much. But like I said, I am aware of my tendency towards control, which helps, but doesn't cure.

So on this day, when the waves are rolling around me, I naturally went towards my habit. I sprung into control mode. And I felt it-by dinner time, I felt exhausted. So tonight, I thought about writing a short reflection in order to practice some rest and giving up control. But I decided not to. Instead, I paid attention to some self-care first. I ran some errands and got some things taken care of. I made and ate dinner with my family. I watched TV for a while. And I waited to get into a space where I was ready to write. Writing has become a way for me to relieve my stress, but I am very aware that tonight, if I had written out of obligation rather than out of a place of contentment and reflection, it wouldn't have been genuine or helpful. I let go of control tonight, and as a result was able to be fully present in my moment of reflecting. Maybe some of my old habits are starting to fade.

Here's hoping for calm waters tomorrow.

About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
J