One of the biggest challenges I have decided to tackle in my 30's is running. I have completed one 5K, and will do my second this Saturday. For the past 3 months I have been running when I can, mostly to make sure that I can complete the races I sign up for. Today, I had an appointment at the end of the day which was very close to the trail I like to run on, so I decided it was a good time to make that last run before the race this Saturday. I felt the same about it as I feel every time I am going to go for a run (not a race, just a run on my own)-nervous, worried, butterflies in my stomach, running through the mental checklist of all the things I need....proper clothes, inhaler, headphones, playlist....and on and on.
Today, as I usually do, I picked the route I would take; I mentally made note of what I was up to completing. There is no rhyme or reason to this decision, I just make a judgement of myself for the day, and then stick to it. I am serious about not giving up during these runs, no walking, no stopping. And for some reason, I decided all I had in me tonight was the short loop on the trail instead of the full run. So I started my run tonight in this most typical fashion. And had the most fantastic insight.
As I began my run, I began to feel gratitude for the chance to take time for just me in my day. I realized that I had given myself the permission to spend 45 minutes with myself. And as much as I enjoy my work and personal relationships, this 45 minute run was only about me. It sounds simple, but was profound on that trail. I felt so grateful that I had given this to myself. And as it goes when you are in your head, I began to think if this was related to why I feel so nervous before I run, and why I would make a decision about my distance tonight before even feeling what the run would be like. That's when I realized that I often don't give to myself what I take pride in giving to others: non-judgmental kindness. I judge myself, expect perfection from myself. I reserve this only for me. In my work and personal relationships I encourage others to learn from mistakes, take healthy risks, put themselves out there. To be kind to themselves, be non-judgmental. But when it comes to me, I chose to take the short loop on the trail so I don't risk judging myself if I have to walk 10 steps to catch my breath. I am not forgiving or kind.
So tonight, as I approached the distance I predetermined in my head, I consciously decided to be kind to myself. I decided to take a healthy risk. I decided to take the long loop on the trail, to walk if I needed to, and most importantly, to not judge myself for doing so if needed. When I got to a small bridge that overlooked the water, I stopped and looked for a minute. It skewed my run time, but did wonders for my peace of mind as water always does. I ran the long loop, and then went farther. I had the best run I have ever had. I didn't want to stop, and had what must be that elusive thing called "runners high" for a good 2 hours after. By making the decision to be kind to myself, I cleared out all those nerves about meeting this expectation that no one but me knew about. I don't think I'll ever be nervous before a run again, only grateful and accepting of myself even if I have to walk. I have chosen to be kind to me, as I am with others.
J
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
On the run
I'm back! Well, I never really went anywhere, just keeping busy with life. The past few days I have been feeling like writing, so I thought I would do so in a way that I can share with everyone.
I am brought back to this blog by yet another event. This one is self-inflicted (unlike turning 30!), but is not any different that the first. I am challenging myself-I have signed up to run a 5K. Holy. Crap. If you read my "20 days to 30" blog, you may remember why it is a huge deal for me to actually sign up for a 5K. If not, you may be thinking that a 5K isn't really that big of a deal. Either way, here's a bit of history....
My earliest memories of running are closely tied to being called an ostrich. My sister kindly gave me this nickname after seeing the funny way my legs kicked out the side when I ran really fast. That nickname stuck; most of my family members have referred to it at one time or another over the years. Even Warren is in on the joke. And really, I can't deny that it's true, and also kind of funny.
Fast forward to high school. In order to pass gym class, we had to run a 12 minute mile. I failed three times. My aunt took action, and taught me how to power-walk a 10 minute mile so I didn't fail gym class. So, during the end of the year tests, I was the only person who walked the "run a mile" test. Thank goodness for Debbie helping me, otherwise I would have surely failed gym class my sophomore year.
Adulthood...I try running over and over again, but quit over and over again. It hurts my feet. And my ankles, and calves. My asthma is too bad, I can't breathe. I can't run a mile. I run like an ostrich. I believe that I suck at running, so I do. At the gym I avoid the treadmill, always choosing an elliptical instead.
About 3 weeks ago Warren's daughter Haley sent me an email with a link to a 5K, and asked me to run it with her. This was it, time to face that running demon again. But I am older and wiser these days, so I thought about how I could do this a different way. In such a way that I don't quit again. So I started thinking about how my history with running has contributed to all my quitting. I haven't believed that I could be any good at running since I was a kid. Since the ostrich nickname, the gym class failure, and then reinforced as an adult every time I quit.
Haley and I went for a run that night to begin our training for this 5K. I had to walk a couple of times, but I made it. A couple nights later I went again, and ran a full mile without walking once for the first time ever. I was SO excited. I have realized that there is nothing physically stopping me from being a decent runner. It's all in my head. I have believed for so long that I suck at running; those beliefs have translated into fear of running, avoidance of running, and quitting when it starts to hurt because hurting while running must be a result of my inability to be a runner. No longer.
I have been running regularly for 2 weeks now, and every time I go out I have to consciously fight the thoughts that I can't do it. It gets easier every time...as does the running. I am running over 1.5 miles without walking at all now, and this upcoming week will increase to over 2 miles. Interestingly, as I run I not only fight the thoughts of not being good at running away, but also think about what else I am not doing in life just because I think I am not good at it. I know that I will be ready to run that 5K at the end of June. And maybe I will be doing other new things I was afraid of before all because I beleive I am not good at it. Except for math. I will always suck at math.
J
I am brought back to this blog by yet another event. This one is self-inflicted (unlike turning 30!), but is not any different that the first. I am challenging myself-I have signed up to run a 5K. Holy. Crap. If you read my "20 days to 30" blog, you may remember why it is a huge deal for me to actually sign up for a 5K. If not, you may be thinking that a 5K isn't really that big of a deal. Either way, here's a bit of history....
My earliest memories of running are closely tied to being called an ostrich. My sister kindly gave me this nickname after seeing the funny way my legs kicked out the side when I ran really fast. That nickname stuck; most of my family members have referred to it at one time or another over the years. Even Warren is in on the joke. And really, I can't deny that it's true, and also kind of funny.
Fast forward to high school. In order to pass gym class, we had to run a 12 minute mile. I failed three times. My aunt took action, and taught me how to power-walk a 10 minute mile so I didn't fail gym class. So, during the end of the year tests, I was the only person who walked the "run a mile" test. Thank goodness for Debbie helping me, otherwise I would have surely failed gym class my sophomore year.
Adulthood...I try running over and over again, but quit over and over again. It hurts my feet. And my ankles, and calves. My asthma is too bad, I can't breathe. I can't run a mile. I run like an ostrich. I believe that I suck at running, so I do. At the gym I avoid the treadmill, always choosing an elliptical instead.
About 3 weeks ago Warren's daughter Haley sent me an email with a link to a 5K, and asked me to run it with her. This was it, time to face that running demon again. But I am older and wiser these days, so I thought about how I could do this a different way. In such a way that I don't quit again. So I started thinking about how my history with running has contributed to all my quitting. I haven't believed that I could be any good at running since I was a kid. Since the ostrich nickname, the gym class failure, and then reinforced as an adult every time I quit.
Haley and I went for a run that night to begin our training for this 5K. I had to walk a couple of times, but I made it. A couple nights later I went again, and ran a full mile without walking once for the first time ever. I was SO excited. I have realized that there is nothing physically stopping me from being a decent runner. It's all in my head. I have believed for so long that I suck at running; those beliefs have translated into fear of running, avoidance of running, and quitting when it starts to hurt because hurting while running must be a result of my inability to be a runner. No longer.
I have been running regularly for 2 weeks now, and every time I go out I have to consciously fight the thoughts that I can't do it. It gets easier every time...as does the running. I am running over 1.5 miles without walking at all now, and this upcoming week will increase to over 2 miles. Interestingly, as I run I not only fight the thoughts of not being good at running away, but also think about what else I am not doing in life just because I think I am not good at it. I know that I will be ready to run that 5K at the end of June. And maybe I will be doing other new things I was afraid of before all because I beleive I am not good at it. Except for math. I will always suck at math.
J
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Foreword [I am proud]
Well, here I am. 30. It isn't all that bad.
I have signed in tonight to share one of my birthday gifts with everyone. As all of you who have followed me are aware, my 20 days to 30 blog was sparked by one of my dearest friends AC. On my birthday I went for some ice cream with AC, where he presented me with an amazing gift. AC took all my blogs and made them into a printed book; it was complete with a "problogue" and an "epiblogue", and the cherry on top, a foreward written by AC, a letter to me. He is now officially my first editor, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I waited a few days to keep this wonderful gift for myself and those closest to me...I am now ready to share it with the world. Read below for AC's foreward, now a part of one of the most amazing things I have ever done for myself. I am honored to know that AC was there with me every step of the way, editing ad reflecting in his own way as I did some inner work. I know he wasn't the only one. Enjoy.
J
Foreword [I am proud]
I did it.
I went and opened my mouth, in jest for the most part, but out of genuine concern that someone might mistake my wonderful, interesting, funny, intelligent, beautiful and witty friend for a nasty, dull, humorless, dumb, ugly and slow one. I thought it might help you sell more crafts. I never expected to get the message later that evening with a link to your first post and discover that my observation had sparked a journey (albeit a relatively short one considering your age {ha!}) to discover yourself.
I waited daily (as I know many others did) to see what you had in your bag of tricks. Some things I already knew about you, and some were entirely fresh perspectives. I found myself reflecting on your courage and determination; the ingredients necessary to examine yourself in such a deep and public (gasp!) way every evening. You inspired me to get back to doing a little writing myself and gave me the confidence to proceed with a very important phase of development in my own life right now. I found your posts profound at times, silly at others but truly spoken from the heart – exactly how I would describe you as a person and a friend.
So this is my 30th birthday present to you. I thought that there might be people without access to the internet, or a general disdain for all things ‘techie’ that should have the opportunity to see what you have been working on. And though it is far from a real book, it is something worth putting on a shelf and taking down from time to time to hold in your hands and feel. I took some liberties with typeface, layout and corrections (there weren’t many except for your penchant for using a single space after periods.) I left the rest intact because, even though ‘grammar-correct’ on Microsoft Word disagreed in some spots, when you write like you speak the true ‘Jamie I know’ comes shining through. I’ll consider it my first editing job and I couldn’t imagine working with a better author. I am very proud of you and you should feel a great sense of accomplishment.
If someone had told you 20 days ago that you needed to have a 12,000 word, 20-page paper, describing yourself due on the 23rd of March, you probably would have thought it nearly impossible. Well, here it is. And it is impressive.
Just like you.
All my love,
AC
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I am grateful
Day 20
Little reminders are coming at me all day today that the big day is here; EB keeps calling me "Ma'am" (so not funny), and I had to make that yearly trip to the Secretary of State to renew my registration. And I am actually at piece with turning 30. I am going to do it with grace. I have enjoyed spending 19 days reflecting on my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes. I have found awareness within my busy days. I have had wonderful conversations with people based on my writing. I have readers in North America, Russia, Asia and Europe, which is absolutely incredible to me.
I got a birthday gift from my parents tonight..and what do you know, it is an e-reader, like I proclaimed last week I would never like. I was wrong. It is really cool. (Thanks D&G!) So on this last night, I will reflect for a moment on the momentum of life. There is a certain momentum to life, something that keeps going whether we like it to or not. Like waves rolling along a stretch of ocean, we can interrupt the wave and maybe send it in a different direction slightly, but it is going to keep moving forward no matter how hard we try. We will grow older. Things around us will change. We don't have much control over it. But we do have control over how we reside in the space of that momentum. So, going into my 30's with a ton of momentum at my back, I choose to be open-minded, graceful, accepting. I have long been accepting of others, and in my 30's, I will take some time to be more accepting of me. I will step into my new decade tomorrow with confidence and awareness of who I am. And I will remain open-minded to the possibilities that momentum brings. Even when that momentum brings me face to face with something I said I would hate without ever really trying, such as electronic books. I am open. Maybe I can embrace change that isn't my idea.
One last note. I am grateful. Gratefulness can bring happiness, so practice it everyday. Notice one thing each day you are happy to be a part of. For me, this has happened 19 times, and will happen one more time tonight. And while I can not keep writing every single night, my love for the written (or typed) word will keep me writing here. So please stay tuned for more reflections as they strike me. Signing off.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
20. I am grateful, graceful. I am accepting of myself. I am 30.
J
Little reminders are coming at me all day today that the big day is here; EB keeps calling me "Ma'am" (so not funny), and I had to make that yearly trip to the Secretary of State to renew my registration. And I am actually at piece with turning 30. I am going to do it with grace. I have enjoyed spending 19 days reflecting on my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes. I have found awareness within my busy days. I have had wonderful conversations with people based on my writing. I have readers in North America, Russia, Asia and Europe, which is absolutely incredible to me.
I got a birthday gift from my parents tonight..and what do you know, it is an e-reader, like I proclaimed last week I would never like. I was wrong. It is really cool. (Thanks D&G!) So on this last night, I will reflect for a moment on the momentum of life. There is a certain momentum to life, something that keeps going whether we like it to or not. Like waves rolling along a stretch of ocean, we can interrupt the wave and maybe send it in a different direction slightly, but it is going to keep moving forward no matter how hard we try. We will grow older. Things around us will change. We don't have much control over it. But we do have control over how we reside in the space of that momentum. So, going into my 30's with a ton of momentum at my back, I choose to be open-minded, graceful, accepting. I have long been accepting of others, and in my 30's, I will take some time to be more accepting of me. I will step into my new decade tomorrow with confidence and awareness of who I am. And I will remain open-minded to the possibilities that momentum brings. Even when that momentum brings me face to face with something I said I would hate without ever really trying, such as electronic books. I am open. Maybe I can embrace change that isn't my idea.
One last note. I am grateful. Gratefulness can bring happiness, so practice it everyday. Notice one thing each day you are happy to be a part of. For me, this has happened 19 times, and will happen one more time tonight. And while I can not keep writing every single night, my love for the written (or typed) word will keep me writing here. So please stay tuned for more reflections as they strike me. Signing off.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
20. I am grateful, graceful. I am accepting of myself. I am 30.
J
Monday, March 21, 2011
I am a following leader
Day 19
Almost there! I was driving in the car tonight and got a weird feeling in my stomach, a cross between dread and excitement. I have made a conscious decision lately to pay attention to physical reactions, especially when they come out of nowhere, so this sensation made me come out of lala land...and I realized I was thinking about being 30 in 2 days. My brain says it is no big deal...my heart isn't so sure. One thing that is for certain...it's happening whether I like it or not.
So, at work today I heard a student say something that was wonderful. This student said-"sometimes you have to follow to be a leader". I thought about this notion all day, and I am still not too sure why I love it so much. So, it should be no surprise that I want to do some reflecting on it right here and now.
I have spent a lot of years being a follower. When I was younger I didn't have much confidence, but I always knew when I liked something. Unfortunately, I usually liked something as soon as someone else did. I'm sure this really ticked my friends off...as soon as they liked a song, I bought the single on cassette (remember those?!); as soon as I saw a cute skirt, I immediately asked where it was from so I could go look at it. Honestly, this was not to be annoying or a copy-cat, I just needed some validation from another person that something was cool, because I wasn't sure enough of myself to trust my own opinion. I never really had my own ideas. (Quick digression: this is pretty big for me to be putting out there...it's one of those things you remember with shame and embarrassment when you look back. However, I have promised to find strength and growth in pain. Onward.)
I think the reason that I was so struck by the notion of being a leader by following others is that I have spent 29 years, 363 days thinking that following others was a weakness, something to be ashamed of. Aren't we praised for originality, creativity, uniqueness? Doesn't it make the fashion pages when two celebrities show up wearing the same dress to an event? There are leadership conferences, leadership seminars, leadership awards...have you ever heard of a "follower award"? Yeah, me neither.
But isn't it the case that following others can be a sign of a desire to learn from others? A sign of a yearning for connectedness, an indication that you want to belong? I ask this in question form because I don't really know the answer. However, in my opinion, when we belong and feel connected to others, our confidence grows, we gain the ability to use our voice. And from that, leadership qualities can emerge.
For all of you who have commented on my courageousness in embarking on this journey, today is the day that I have been the bravest...it isn't easy to admit something you feel shame about. Paying attention to the knot in my stomach as I prepare to push the "publish" button tells me I have gone farther tonight in my reflecting than I have yet. But in doing so, I consider myself a leader even more. I speak up, I voice my opinion. Other people look to me for advice, for input, for connection. I belong. I once followed others, and sometimes still do. And in that following, I found my place, and have become a leader as well.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
J
Almost there! I was driving in the car tonight and got a weird feeling in my stomach, a cross between dread and excitement. I have made a conscious decision lately to pay attention to physical reactions, especially when they come out of nowhere, so this sensation made me come out of lala land...and I realized I was thinking about being 30 in 2 days. My brain says it is no big deal...my heart isn't so sure. One thing that is for certain...it's happening whether I like it or not.
So, at work today I heard a student say something that was wonderful. This student said-"sometimes you have to follow to be a leader". I thought about this notion all day, and I am still not too sure why I love it so much. So, it should be no surprise that I want to do some reflecting on it right here and now.
I have spent a lot of years being a follower. When I was younger I didn't have much confidence, but I always knew when I liked something. Unfortunately, I usually liked something as soon as someone else did. I'm sure this really ticked my friends off...as soon as they liked a song, I bought the single on cassette (remember those?!); as soon as I saw a cute skirt, I immediately asked where it was from so I could go look at it. Honestly, this was not to be annoying or a copy-cat, I just needed some validation from another person that something was cool, because I wasn't sure enough of myself to trust my own opinion. I never really had my own ideas. (Quick digression: this is pretty big for me to be putting out there...it's one of those things you remember with shame and embarrassment when you look back. However, I have promised to find strength and growth in pain. Onward.)
I think the reason that I was so struck by the notion of being a leader by following others is that I have spent 29 years, 363 days thinking that following others was a weakness, something to be ashamed of. Aren't we praised for originality, creativity, uniqueness? Doesn't it make the fashion pages when two celebrities show up wearing the same dress to an event? There are leadership conferences, leadership seminars, leadership awards...have you ever heard of a "follower award"? Yeah, me neither.
But isn't it the case that following others can be a sign of a desire to learn from others? A sign of a yearning for connectedness, an indication that you want to belong? I ask this in question form because I don't really know the answer. However, in my opinion, when we belong and feel connected to others, our confidence grows, we gain the ability to use our voice. And from that, leadership qualities can emerge.
For all of you who have commented on my courageousness in embarking on this journey, today is the day that I have been the bravest...it isn't easy to admit something you feel shame about. Paying attention to the knot in my stomach as I prepare to push the "publish" button tells me I have gone farther tonight in my reflecting than I have yet. But in doing so, I consider myself a leader even more. I speak up, I voice my opinion. Other people look to me for advice, for input, for connection. I belong. I once followed others, and sometimes still do. And in that following, I found my place, and have become a leader as well.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
J
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I am a product of thinking
Day 18
Better today...still accepting of where I was yesterday.
Us social workers are big on the environment. I am not referring to being "green", but instead understanding how the environment impacts our behavior, beliefs, actions, decisions. I was thinking about this today, specifically how the environments I encounter help shape who I am.
I had a mid-twenties crisis when I was about 26. It was at that age that I got lost in stores. Now, this is pretty distressing for someone who likes stuff as much as I do. It was totally not anticipated, and came out of the blue. And, it was powerful-it stopped me from shopping for a while. So, here is what happened. I went to a department store, something like Kohl's or Macy's. I went to the juniors section, and had an epiphany. I was too old to shop there. I was too old to wear short shorts; the styles of the tops were too young; the patterns were too juvenile. I was stumped. I remember thinking, "Hmmm, maybe it's time to look at the other sections". This didn't go well. I walked over to the woman's section, and the made a straight beeline to the door. I wasn't ready for the clothes in that section either! I was completely lost, but I wasn't alone. I started talking to other women my age, and realized there wasn't really places in department stores for late 20 somethings-it was 16 or 35, no gray area.
I could probably go on about how our culture is contributing to lack of identity, but it is not my intention to get all academic or political. But I think it is important for each of us, as women, as men, as young people, as middle age and older people, pay attention to the environment around us, and how it contributes to our own identity. As I approach 30, I am comfortable with where I shop in a store. But I am aware that I will have to switch sections again at some point, and I will probably take it personal. I will probably feel as if I need to change something about myself to fit in to the next socially acceptable compartment. But hopefully a little bit less than when I was 26 and lost in stores.
Conclusion 3: I am connected to everything around me, even something as small as feeling lost in a store. I am aware that while my environment has an influence over me, it is more important for me to influence my environment. Next time, I will just try a new store. Or, just make my own store for all the mid-twenties people out there. I don't have to fit into anyone's black and white box-I happen to like gray very much.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
J
Better today...still accepting of where I was yesterday.
Us social workers are big on the environment. I am not referring to being "green", but instead understanding how the environment impacts our behavior, beliefs, actions, decisions. I was thinking about this today, specifically how the environments I encounter help shape who I am.
I had a mid-twenties crisis when I was about 26. It was at that age that I got lost in stores. Now, this is pretty distressing for someone who likes stuff as much as I do. It was totally not anticipated, and came out of the blue. And, it was powerful-it stopped me from shopping for a while. So, here is what happened. I went to a department store, something like Kohl's or Macy's. I went to the juniors section, and had an epiphany. I was too old to shop there. I was too old to wear short shorts; the styles of the tops were too young; the patterns were too juvenile. I was stumped. I remember thinking, "Hmmm, maybe it's time to look at the other sections". This didn't go well. I walked over to the woman's section, and the made a straight beeline to the door. I wasn't ready for the clothes in that section either! I was completely lost, but I wasn't alone. I started talking to other women my age, and realized there wasn't really places in department stores for late 20 somethings-it was 16 or 35, no gray area.
I could probably go on about how our culture is contributing to lack of identity, but it is not my intention to get all academic or political. But I think it is important for each of us, as women, as men, as young people, as middle age and older people, pay attention to the environment around us, and how it contributes to our own identity. As I approach 30, I am comfortable with where I shop in a store. But I am aware that I will have to switch sections again at some point, and I will probably take it personal. I will probably feel as if I need to change something about myself to fit in to the next socially acceptable compartment. But hopefully a little bit less than when I was 26 and lost in stores.
Conclusion 3: I am connected to everything around me, even something as small as feeling lost in a store. I am aware that while my environment has an influence over me, it is more important for me to influence my environment. Next time, I will just try a new store. Or, just make my own store for all the mid-twenties people out there. I don't have to fit into anyone's black and white box-I happen to like gray very much.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
J
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I am human
Day 17
This is getting tough. Since I have preached to paying attention to the process, I will do so now. I have spent all day avoiding writing. You know when you have something to do, and you don't really want to do it, so you convince yourself that cleaning out your sock drawer must be done this instant or the world might come crashing down? That's me today. I haven't cleaned my sock drawer yet, but have found lots of other stuff to do in order to avoid. Avoid writing, avoid thinking and reflecting. Maybe it is spring fever, maybe it's a busy weekend.
I just can't get there today. I have spent the day feeling a bit guilty about avoiding my commitment to writing, but that ends now. I am accepting of myself, and the space I am in today. I am only human.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
J
This is getting tough. Since I have preached to paying attention to the process, I will do so now. I have spent all day avoiding writing. You know when you have something to do, and you don't really want to do it, so you convince yourself that cleaning out your sock drawer must be done this instant or the world might come crashing down? That's me today. I haven't cleaned my sock drawer yet, but have found lots of other stuff to do in order to avoid. Avoid writing, avoid thinking and reflecting. Maybe it is spring fever, maybe it's a busy weekend.
I just can't get there today. I have spent the day feeling a bit guilty about avoiding my commitment to writing, but that ends now. I am accepting of myself, and the space I am in today. I am only human.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
J
Friday, March 18, 2011
I can't do this alone.
Day 16
I am really loving going back and reading what I have written over the past two weeks. It is obvious to me when I am in a good mood, or a not so good mood by the way I have written. I am looking for themes, clues, insights. I love seeing people's comments, and insights about me that they are noticing. As my uncle noted, I can be paradoxical, but didn't see it. My sister's comment earlier this week helped me to see how much we are alike. I have had conversations with lots of people about what they think or are getting from reading along. And almost all of my posts have involved an insight that includes other people, or came to me because of other people. It is no secret that I place a very high value on relationships, and feel they are essential to my purpose in life. So, I think today it is fitting to reflect on those who helped me get to where I am today.
Conclusion: I can't do this alone. Sometimes I think I can (remember that whole control thing), but the truth is, I would not be anyone or anything if it weren't for the people who have been in my life, and are currently in my life. There have been people who come into my life and left really quickly that I learned from. There are others who have been there all along, others who have been there for most. Some were there for the hard stuff and then gone, but remain an influence to this day.
When I was in third grade I did one of the meanest things I have ever done. It has stuck with me all these years. I called a classmate a "fat blimp" in front of my other classmates. It was horrible; I was not a bully, and I can't even say why I did it, but it was likely a feeble attempt to impress my third grade friends. What I remember most about that moment was how I felt afterward; guilt, shame, sadness, anger towards myself that I could be so mean. That interaction was major in my life; I make a living now sticking up for people. That one moment taught me about kindness towards others. Even though my classmate and I weren't ever close friends, I learned from that person. An impression was made.
There are of course others who have made impressions just as major-there is no possible way I could list them all. But chances are, if you know me, you would make the list. If you have seen me cry, made me laugh, cooked me a meal, took care of me while I was sick, given me support, hugged me, been my friend, or loved me you are definitely on this list. If you have made me angry, made me sad, ignored me, made fun of me, or challenged me, you also would make the list, because every one of those interactions contribute to who I am today. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I would be nothing it weren't for the many people who have impacted me.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
J
I am really loving going back and reading what I have written over the past two weeks. It is obvious to me when I am in a good mood, or a not so good mood by the way I have written. I am looking for themes, clues, insights. I love seeing people's comments, and insights about me that they are noticing. As my uncle noted, I can be paradoxical, but didn't see it. My sister's comment earlier this week helped me to see how much we are alike. I have had conversations with lots of people about what they think or are getting from reading along. And almost all of my posts have involved an insight that includes other people, or came to me because of other people. It is no secret that I place a very high value on relationships, and feel they are essential to my purpose in life. So, I think today it is fitting to reflect on those who helped me get to where I am today.
Conclusion: I can't do this alone. Sometimes I think I can (remember that whole control thing), but the truth is, I would not be anyone or anything if it weren't for the people who have been in my life, and are currently in my life. There have been people who come into my life and left really quickly that I learned from. There are others who have been there all along, others who have been there for most. Some were there for the hard stuff and then gone, but remain an influence to this day.
When I was in third grade I did one of the meanest things I have ever done. It has stuck with me all these years. I called a classmate a "fat blimp" in front of my other classmates. It was horrible; I was not a bully, and I can't even say why I did it, but it was likely a feeble attempt to impress my third grade friends. What I remember most about that moment was how I felt afterward; guilt, shame, sadness, anger towards myself that I could be so mean. That interaction was major in my life; I make a living now sticking up for people. That one moment taught me about kindness towards others. Even though my classmate and I weren't ever close friends, I learned from that person. An impression was made.
There are of course others who have made impressions just as major-there is no possible way I could list them all. But chances are, if you know me, you would make the list. If you have seen me cry, made me laugh, cooked me a meal, took care of me while I was sick, given me support, hugged me, been my friend, or loved me you are definitely on this list. If you have made me angry, made me sad, ignored me, made fun of me, or challenged me, you also would make the list, because every one of those interactions contribute to who I am today. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I would be nothing it weren't for the many people who have impacted me.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
J
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I am eternally learning
Day 15
Ah, St. Patrick's Day. I know it's getting close now.
On with the conclusions. I had the most amazing conversation with one of my students today. This happens everyday, because of the great students I work with, but today's conversation struck something to me. Something I have known, and is very much a huge part of me. And I realized it is one of the most defining things about me.
Conclusion 2: I am a student. I will always be learning.
As many of you are aware, I went slowly through my undergraduate degree, and then went straight into grad school. This means I spent about 8 years straight in college. I got very used to this environment. It is rich with exploring, reading and thinking of new ideas, and constantly challenging yourself and others around you. When I graduated almost a year ago, I entered into a very dynamic career within a university that allows me to continue in this environment. I thrive on it, I thrive within it.
So what does this have to do with my identity? Lots. As a kid, my favorite quote was "what does not kill you will only make you stronger". As an adult, I often quote and definitely live by the philosophy of learning from the past, and remaining focused on what you can control in the present moment.My favorite quote as an adult- "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become". These quotes and this philosophy speak to something I beleive very strongly: we must remain students of ourselves. We must always be paying attention to our habits, our actions, our beliefs about ourselves. And then, we have to take it one step further, and live by what we notice, what we learn in ourselves. Remain a student, keep that open mind that allows us to challenge ourselves and others. Always be wiling to learn new things.
So, while I may not be in class anymore, or writing papers or taking exams, I am still a student. I am a student of life, and always will be. Because I think it is dangerous to not be; if we aren't continuing to learn and reflect, then we get stuck. I never want to be stuck. I want to be enlightened.
I promised myself (and WB) that I would take two years off school completely before considering going back. I am almost one year in. It is nice I must admit; I am running at a much slower pace now. But I am still learning. My interests are growing; I am working on art, I am exploring photography. I am traveling. And I am remaining a student through every step.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
J
Ah, St. Patrick's Day. I know it's getting close now.
On with the conclusions. I had the most amazing conversation with one of my students today. This happens everyday, because of the great students I work with, but today's conversation struck something to me. Something I have known, and is very much a huge part of me. And I realized it is one of the most defining things about me.
Conclusion 2: I am a student. I will always be learning.
As many of you are aware, I went slowly through my undergraduate degree, and then went straight into grad school. This means I spent about 8 years straight in college. I got very used to this environment. It is rich with exploring, reading and thinking of new ideas, and constantly challenging yourself and others around you. When I graduated almost a year ago, I entered into a very dynamic career within a university that allows me to continue in this environment. I thrive on it, I thrive within it.
So what does this have to do with my identity? Lots. As a kid, my favorite quote was "what does not kill you will only make you stronger". As an adult, I often quote and definitely live by the philosophy of learning from the past, and remaining focused on what you can control in the present moment.My favorite quote as an adult- "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become". These quotes and this philosophy speak to something I beleive very strongly: we must remain students of ourselves. We must always be paying attention to our habits, our actions, our beliefs about ourselves. And then, we have to take it one step further, and live by what we notice, what we learn in ourselves. Remain a student, keep that open mind that allows us to challenge ourselves and others. Always be wiling to learn new things.
So, while I may not be in class anymore, or writing papers or taking exams, I am still a student. I am a student of life, and always will be. Because I think it is dangerous to not be; if we aren't continuing to learn and reflect, then we get stuck. I never want to be stuck. I want to be enlightened.
I promised myself (and WB) that I would take two years off school completely before considering going back. I am almost one year in. It is nice I must admit; I am running at a much slower pace now. But I am still learning. My interests are growing; I am working on art, I am exploring photography. I am traveling. And I am remaining a student through every step.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
J
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I am not cool
Day 13
One week from today, I will be 30. In order to stay focused, I am finding it necessary to write on the process of this journey, and what it is that is really defining about me. To bring it back to center often so that I do not stray from the point. To remain present in the process.
So far, I am learning that I define myself based on both external and internal ways. I am defined by my love for books and words, my hate for my hair, my constant worry about being a healthy weight. I am defined by my innate need to help others, to relate to others, to be a part of something bigger than myself. I am defined by my childhood, my teen years, my twenties.I am defined by the relationships I have, and the ones I've had. I am defined by what I like, what I do, what I don't like, what I don't do. This is a lot to wrap up into a neat little package on some social networking about me box.
So maybe in this last week, I will start to make some conclusions. Start to really nail down who I am in words. Naming things is powerful; it gives context and meaning. It helps to take really big and abstract ideas, and put them into words that can be conveyed to others easily. It makes you take a look at that little blank, taunting, frustrating box on Facebook/Twitter/Etsy/Blogspot/etc., and think to yourself, "Yes! I know who I am, and I am going to write it down perfectly RIGHT NOW!" So, I am ready. Let's start naming.
Conclusion #1: I am a total nerd. I always have been. As previously discussed, I love reading; I think hanging out in libraries and book stores is fun. I talk to myself, I love school, and love doing well in school even more. (One time, in a college class, some of my classmates got their hands on the exam that was being given the next day. It was passed around behind the profs back like a trophy. When it was time to be passed to me, I declined taking it. You can imagine the "she's a loser" looks I got. I felt proud, and got an A on the exam, without cheating.) Sometimes, my perfect night is to sitting at home watching TV with my cat sitting on my lap. I like to read about space, and the science of the ocean. I like the Discovery channel, history class, and spent a large portion of my 4th grade year obsessed with learning about tornadoes. I love Glee. My favorite show of all time is Dawson's Creek. I cry at reality TV shows. I have frizzy hair and not so great skin.
I am ok with being a nerd. I am proud of it. It means I have learned to love the quirky things about me. Plus, the geeks in the world always end up rich, don't they? I am not rich yet, at least not rich with money; I am however, rich with understanding and acceptance of myself.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
J
One week from today, I will be 30. In order to stay focused, I am finding it necessary to write on the process of this journey, and what it is that is really defining about me. To bring it back to center often so that I do not stray from the point. To remain present in the process.
So far, I am learning that I define myself based on both external and internal ways. I am defined by my love for books and words, my hate for my hair, my constant worry about being a healthy weight. I am defined by my innate need to help others, to relate to others, to be a part of something bigger than myself. I am defined by my childhood, my teen years, my twenties.I am defined by the relationships I have, and the ones I've had. I am defined by what I like, what I do, what I don't like, what I don't do. This is a lot to wrap up into a neat little package on some social networking about me box.
So maybe in this last week, I will start to make some conclusions. Start to really nail down who I am in words. Naming things is powerful; it gives context and meaning. It helps to take really big and abstract ideas, and put them into words that can be conveyed to others easily. It makes you take a look at that little blank, taunting, frustrating box on Facebook/Twitter/Etsy/Blogspot/etc., and think to yourself, "Yes! I know who I am, and I am going to write it down perfectly RIGHT NOW!" So, I am ready. Let's start naming.
Conclusion #1: I am a total nerd. I always have been. As previously discussed, I love reading; I think hanging out in libraries and book stores is fun. I talk to myself, I love school, and love doing well in school even more. (One time, in a college class, some of my classmates got their hands on the exam that was being given the next day. It was passed around behind the profs back like a trophy. When it was time to be passed to me, I declined taking it. You can imagine the "she's a loser" looks I got. I felt proud, and got an A on the exam, without cheating.) Sometimes, my perfect night is to sitting at home watching TV with my cat sitting on my lap. I like to read about space, and the science of the ocean. I like the Discovery channel, history class, and spent a large portion of my 4th grade year obsessed with learning about tornadoes. I love Glee. My favorite show of all time is Dawson's Creek. I cry at reality TV shows. I have frizzy hair and not so great skin.
I am ok with being a nerd. I am proud of it. It means I have learned to love the quirky things about me. Plus, the geeks in the world always end up rich, don't they? I am not rich yet, at least not rich with money; I am however, rich with understanding and acceptance of myself.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
J
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I am a control freak
Day 13
I am in a metaphorical mood tonight. I woke up this morning after a pretty long day yesterday, and knew within 5 minutes it was going to be another long one. I love water, so I will use a metaphor that makes sense to me- I am surrounded by some pretty big waves right now. And it is really exhausting. So I am trying to take a break. Trying being the key word.
When you are in a clinical graduate program, the professors love to have you focus on your first client, which is yourself. Because of this, I was given the gift of a year of intense self examination, not unlike what I am doing now. One of the most major things I learned during grad school was how I have to be in control. Being in control is pervasive for me...it affects most every major area of my life.
Control...I know the roots of this tendency for myself, and this is not the place to go into it. What I am willing to say is that at one point in my life, control over something, even something really small, was all I had. That is not the case now, and hasn't been for about 14 years, but some habits die hard. This tendency towards control means that I won't ask for help, cause in my mind, I've got it. This may seem like a strength, like I am a leader, competent, in control. But it has a flip side-it means I feel overwhelmed sometimes. It means I end up taking on too much. But like I said, I am aware of my tendency towards control, which helps, but doesn't cure.
So on this day, when the waves are rolling around me, I naturally went towards my habit. I sprung into control mode. And I felt it-by dinner time, I felt exhausted. So tonight, I thought about writing a short reflection in order to practice some rest and giving up control. But I decided not to. Instead, I paid attention to some self-care first. I ran some errands and got some things taken care of. I made and ate dinner with my family. I watched TV for a while. And I waited to get into a space where I was ready to write. Writing has become a way for me to relieve my stress, but I am very aware that tonight, if I had written out of obligation rather than out of a place of contentment and reflection, it wouldn't have been genuine or helpful. I let go of control tonight, and as a result was able to be fully present in my moment of reflecting. Maybe some of my old habits are starting to fade.
Here's hoping for calm waters tomorrow.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
J
I am in a metaphorical mood tonight. I woke up this morning after a pretty long day yesterday, and knew within 5 minutes it was going to be another long one. I love water, so I will use a metaphor that makes sense to me- I am surrounded by some pretty big waves right now. And it is really exhausting. So I am trying to take a break. Trying being the key word.
When you are in a clinical graduate program, the professors love to have you focus on your first client, which is yourself. Because of this, I was given the gift of a year of intense self examination, not unlike what I am doing now. One of the most major things I learned during grad school was how I have to be in control. Being in control is pervasive for me...it affects most every major area of my life.
Control...I know the roots of this tendency for myself, and this is not the place to go into it. What I am willing to say is that at one point in my life, control over something, even something really small, was all I had. That is not the case now, and hasn't been for about 14 years, but some habits die hard. This tendency towards control means that I won't ask for help, cause in my mind, I've got it. This may seem like a strength, like I am a leader, competent, in control. But it has a flip side-it means I feel overwhelmed sometimes. It means I end up taking on too much. But like I said, I am aware of my tendency towards control, which helps, but doesn't cure.
So on this day, when the waves are rolling around me, I naturally went towards my habit. I sprung into control mode. And I felt it-by dinner time, I felt exhausted. So tonight, I thought about writing a short reflection in order to practice some rest and giving up control. But I decided not to. Instead, I paid attention to some self-care first. I ran some errands and got some things taken care of. I made and ate dinner with my family. I watched TV for a while. And I waited to get into a space where I was ready to write. Writing has become a way for me to relieve my stress, but I am very aware that tonight, if I had written out of obligation rather than out of a place of contentment and reflection, it wouldn't have been genuine or helpful. I let go of control tonight, and as a result was able to be fully present in my moment of reflecting. Maybe some of my old habits are starting to fade.
Here's hoping for calm waters tomorrow.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
J
Monday, March 14, 2011
I am a connoisseur
Day 12
I love words.
I first discovered a love for words as a kid when I fell in love with books. I was reading novels before I was 10. I get lost in books. It puts me in a good mood to read; it helps my stress go down and helps me relax. I love reading on the beach in the summer, and under a blanket in the winter. I love to touch books, look at books, keep books. I don't use libraries because I don't want to give my books up once I have them. I refuse to enter into the world of virtual books on a kindle or nook; I can't turn the pages and store it on my bookshelf. Books bring me closer to my friends. My best friends and I get together for a book club almost every month. Take it from me, books are even better when they come with great food, wine and company.
Tonight I wanted to write about books; my day today has led me to taking it one step further to words. I have always loved words on a page while reading. As I have mentioned, I am falling in love with putting words on pages by writing. And I was reminded of the power of the spoken word today.
Lesson 1 today: Words can bring confidence and joy. When we pay compliments to those who don't get to hear often enough how beautiful they are, the power of words is unleashed. Self-confidence, happiness, self-worth. All for the 100% free act of telling someone how beautiful they are. Lesson 2 today: Sometimes words are extremely painful, but if openness is present, they can really help someone grow into a wiser person. Willingness to bear the uncomfortable pain in words helps to foster love, learning and forgiveness.
As I approach my 3rd decade next week, I am mindful that I will continue to love words. I will love the written word as I always have, and will continue to pay attention to the power of the spoken word. Ever since I was a kid I always thought the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" was untrue. I think that sticks, stones and words can hurt you. They can also relax you, entertain you, help you grow, and help you to learn.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
J
I love words.
I first discovered a love for words as a kid when I fell in love with books. I was reading novels before I was 10. I get lost in books. It puts me in a good mood to read; it helps my stress go down and helps me relax. I love reading on the beach in the summer, and under a blanket in the winter. I love to touch books, look at books, keep books. I don't use libraries because I don't want to give my books up once I have them. I refuse to enter into the world of virtual books on a kindle or nook; I can't turn the pages and store it on my bookshelf. Books bring me closer to my friends. My best friends and I get together for a book club almost every month. Take it from me, books are even better when they come with great food, wine and company.
Tonight I wanted to write about books; my day today has led me to taking it one step further to words. I have always loved words on a page while reading. As I have mentioned, I am falling in love with putting words on pages by writing. And I was reminded of the power of the spoken word today.
Lesson 1 today: Words can bring confidence and joy. When we pay compliments to those who don't get to hear often enough how beautiful they are, the power of words is unleashed. Self-confidence, happiness, self-worth. All for the 100% free act of telling someone how beautiful they are. Lesson 2 today: Sometimes words are extremely painful, but if openness is present, they can really help someone grow into a wiser person. Willingness to bear the uncomfortable pain in words helps to foster love, learning and forgiveness.
As I approach my 3rd decade next week, I am mindful that I will continue to love words. I will love the written word as I always have, and will continue to pay attention to the power of the spoken word. Ever since I was a kid I always thought the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" was untrue. I think that sticks, stones and words can hurt you. They can also relax you, entertain you, help you grow, and help you to learn.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
J
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I am talented
Day 11
I remember as a kid thinking that I wasn't good at anything. It wasn't for lack of opportunity. I tried rocket football cheerleading around age 8, that lasted one year. In eighth grade I joined the band; I couldn't make any noise come out of my flute. It was really pathetic...I didn't even get a chance to try to play the right notes. Gym class alone proved that I wasn't made for sports; art class wasn't too different. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years, and even some of my adult years thinking that I wasn't good at anything. That I wasn't born with any natural talent for anything. Looking back now, this is pretty sad.
I finally found out what I was good at about 5 years ago. I am really good at school (I am fully aware that what I will write next might make you hate me....that isn't the intention, but hey, I have to be good at SOMETHING!). School is very easy for me, it keeps me busy and takes time, but it has never really been hard. Yes, I get stuck in math, and science isn't my best subject, but I just have to work a bit harder at it to get it. But here's the thing-I am good at school because it is set up for people like me. I can sit still and pay attention for long periods of time; I learn from seeing and hearing rather than doing. The crazy thing is, I did terrible in my first couple years of college. Like, D's and E's terrible. And then I had a semester where I got ok grades. And, I realized I could be good at something. Finally! And from then on, I was hooked.
This amazing feeling happened again recently. I started making paper crafts, specifically, Polish paper stars. As I mentioned above, art was never really my thing. I thought I had zero talent, and zero creativity to go along with it. I thought this until I taught myself how to make paper stars in December, and realized I was good at it. And the creativity just started flowing...I have too many ideas to create every one. Another cool thing about my creativity opening up is that I realized I am not a "crafter", I am an artist. Imagine that...the girl who can only draw stick figures, and has to have paint-by-number to make anything coherent from paint and brushes is viewing herself as an artist.
So what is the lesson in this? For me, it is that we are all good at things. But, when we believe that we aren't, we literally block ourselves from exposing our talent. I am not sure why I wasn't able to see what I was good at until my 20's, but I fully expect to find even more things I am really great at in my 30's. And I am so glad that I am able to see some of those talents coming out...it gives me self-worth, confidence, and the things I am good at make me happy when I do them.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
J
I remember as a kid thinking that I wasn't good at anything. It wasn't for lack of opportunity. I tried rocket football cheerleading around age 8, that lasted one year. In eighth grade I joined the band; I couldn't make any noise come out of my flute. It was really pathetic...I didn't even get a chance to try to play the right notes. Gym class alone proved that I wasn't made for sports; art class wasn't too different. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years, and even some of my adult years thinking that I wasn't good at anything. That I wasn't born with any natural talent for anything. Looking back now, this is pretty sad.
I finally found out what I was good at about 5 years ago. I am really good at school (I am fully aware that what I will write next might make you hate me....that isn't the intention, but hey, I have to be good at SOMETHING!). School is very easy for me, it keeps me busy and takes time, but it has never really been hard. Yes, I get stuck in math, and science isn't my best subject, but I just have to work a bit harder at it to get it. But here's the thing-I am good at school because it is set up for people like me. I can sit still and pay attention for long periods of time; I learn from seeing and hearing rather than doing. The crazy thing is, I did terrible in my first couple years of college. Like, D's and E's terrible. And then I had a semester where I got ok grades. And, I realized I could be good at something. Finally! And from then on, I was hooked.
This amazing feeling happened again recently. I started making paper crafts, specifically, Polish paper stars. As I mentioned above, art was never really my thing. I thought I had zero talent, and zero creativity to go along with it. I thought this until I taught myself how to make paper stars in December, and realized I was good at it. And the creativity just started flowing...I have too many ideas to create every one. Another cool thing about my creativity opening up is that I realized I am not a "crafter", I am an artist. Imagine that...the girl who can only draw stick figures, and has to have paint-by-number to make anything coherent from paint and brushes is viewing herself as an artist.
So what is the lesson in this? For me, it is that we are all good at things. But, when we believe that we aren't, we literally block ourselves from exposing our talent. I am not sure why I wasn't able to see what I was good at until my 20's, but I fully expect to find even more things I am really great at in my 30's. And I am so glad that I am able to see some of those talents coming out...it gives me self-worth, confidence, and the things I am good at make me happy when I do them.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
J
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I am able to simplify
Day 10
I have re-started this blog three times so far today. For some reason, I can't find sentences to describe what I noticed and was inspired by today. So instead, I think I will try listing. Some days, I just have to simplify.
Today, I was absolutely amazed at the strength and resiliency of my family members.
Today, I was overflowing with pride for WB, and how fantastic he is doing in his nursing program.
Today, I felt grateful to enjoy a great lunch with a lifelong friend JS.
Today, I am happy to have some quiet time.
Today, I relaxed with a book and some writing.
Today, I grew as a person.
Today, I simplified.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
J
I have re-started this blog three times so far today. For some reason, I can't find sentences to describe what I noticed and was inspired by today. So instead, I think I will try listing. Some days, I just have to simplify.
Today, I was absolutely amazed at the strength and resiliency of my family members.
Today, I was overflowing with pride for WB, and how fantastic he is doing in his nursing program.
Today, I felt grateful to enjoy a great lunch with a lifelong friend JS.
Today, I am happy to have some quiet time.
Today, I relaxed with a book and some writing.
Today, I grew as a person.
Today, I simplified.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
J
Friday, March 11, 2011
My hope springs eternal
Day 9
I am big on hope. My hope definitely springs eternal.
I am big on hope for many reasons. I have dedicated my work to helping people who can not always help themselves. Hope can be huge for people that have life struggles. Sometimes all one has is hope; hope can carry people during the lowest of lows. In thinking of the hardest times in my life, (we all have them, not just me) hope is what helped me make it through. Hope that the next day would be better, that the next week would bring brighter things, that by this time next year things will be so much better. The best thing about hope-it's 100% free, and you can have as much as you want.
However, sometimes having too much hope can make us lose touch with reality. For example, those size 3 jeans I still have in hopes of still fitting in them one day. Or spending expensive face cream I buy in hopes of still looking 18 when I am 40. Or the hope that one day I will win the lottery. Yup, lost in fantasy land is where hope takes me soemtimes. I am ok with this though...sometimes fantasy land feels way better than "no you can't fit into a size 3, you may have 40 year-old skin when you are 40, and you will always have to budget" reality land.
Other times, hope takes a step further, and spills over into anticipation and expectation. This is most apparent in my love of travel. I LOVE to travel. It is one of my favorite things. And one of the things I love most about traveling is the part before I leave; yes, you read correctly. I love the anticipation and expectations of a vacation, the build up of how great it will be, sometimes more than the actual vacation. The hope of how great it is going to be overshadows the actual fun. I am aware that this is totally my fault. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being on vacation, and always have fun. But I always go through a cycle: being really excited in the weeks that lead up to the vacation, really excited when I get to the destination about all the fun things I'll be doing in the days there, and then before I know it, it is the day before we leave and the let down of going home sets in. I get glimpses of being in the moment of vacation, but not as much as I would like. And then when I get home, I begin to search for something else to anticipate, to look forward to, to hope about.
So, in my 30's, I would like to keep my hope. It is essential in life. And I hope that I can live in the moment more, especially when doing things I really look forward to. I expect to do better at this. And I hope it doesn't turn into one big ugly cycle of hoping, expecting and missing out on the good stuff. I hope it doesn't, but it might. My only hope is that I never lose hope.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
J
I am big on hope. My hope definitely springs eternal.
I am big on hope for many reasons. I have dedicated my work to helping people who can not always help themselves. Hope can be huge for people that have life struggles. Sometimes all one has is hope; hope can carry people during the lowest of lows. In thinking of the hardest times in my life, (we all have them, not just me) hope is what helped me make it through. Hope that the next day would be better, that the next week would bring brighter things, that by this time next year things will be so much better. The best thing about hope-it's 100% free, and you can have as much as you want.
However, sometimes having too much hope can make us lose touch with reality. For example, those size 3 jeans I still have in hopes of still fitting in them one day. Or spending expensive face cream I buy in hopes of still looking 18 when I am 40. Or the hope that one day I will win the lottery. Yup, lost in fantasy land is where hope takes me soemtimes. I am ok with this though...sometimes fantasy land feels way better than "no you can't fit into a size 3, you may have 40 year-old skin when you are 40, and you will always have to budget" reality land.
Other times, hope takes a step further, and spills over into anticipation and expectation. This is most apparent in my love of travel. I LOVE to travel. It is one of my favorite things. And one of the things I love most about traveling is the part before I leave; yes, you read correctly. I love the anticipation and expectations of a vacation, the build up of how great it will be, sometimes more than the actual vacation. The hope of how great it is going to be overshadows the actual fun. I am aware that this is totally my fault. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being on vacation, and always have fun. But I always go through a cycle: being really excited in the weeks that lead up to the vacation, really excited when I get to the destination about all the fun things I'll be doing in the days there, and then before I know it, it is the day before we leave and the let down of going home sets in. I get glimpses of being in the moment of vacation, but not as much as I would like. And then when I get home, I begin to search for something else to anticipate, to look forward to, to hope about.
So, in my 30's, I would like to keep my hope. It is essential in life. And I hope that I can live in the moment more, especially when doing things I really look forward to. I expect to do better at this. And I hope it doesn't turn into one big ugly cycle of hoping, expecting and missing out on the good stuff. I hope it doesn't, but it might. My only hope is that I never lose hope.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
J
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I belong to a family
Day 8
I think a lot of the time we define ourselves by who we surround ourselves with and the relationships we involve ourselves in. Last week at this time I had some ideas about this...I wanted to reject the idea that our relationships define us. I am not sure why I rejected this idea. I had an idea that our identity should be of an internal origin, but I know see that it is impossible to be exclusively inward. Being a part of a social or family system is our lifeblood, what can keep us going in the darkest of times. Last week I wrote about being a relater. I have to have connection with others. I also believe that family relationships are the most important connections we can have. For those of you not aware, my area of personal and professional interest is foster care. When you experience such a system, ideas of family are completely changed.
Last year I took a family therapy class. On the first day we learned the definition of family. And I thought it was complete bullshit. Our book said that a family consisted of something like the following (not verbatim): 2 or more people related to one another by blood or contract (marriage, adoption). A quick Google search turns up such definitions as "two people living together with children", or "a group of people sharing common ancestry". I beg to differ.
I have a background and a passion that totally contradicts this idea. I have grandparents, an aunt and an uncle that are parents; I have cousins that are siblings; I have siblings that I love so deeply they seem to be an extension of myself. I have best friends that are sisters; I have "boyfriend's kids" that I love like they are my own. I have a boyfriend that I love as much as any wife loves a husband. And I am not alone in the unconventionality. I know people who don't have any family, and people that have two or three families; and the conventional ideas that surround family can make us feel like outcasts.
I have decided that tonight, for me, this is no longer the case. Tonight I had a great dinner with my family. And although there are no legal contracts that make it so, no one can tell me otherwise. I am a girlfriend, a sister, a niece, a daughter, a cousin, and a best friend. All the people who I have such relationships with are my family. And those relationships define me as much as anything else, because being connected to people is what makes me whole.
I think family is what we decide it is. And my family is as conventional as any other because I have decided it is.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
J
I think a lot of the time we define ourselves by who we surround ourselves with and the relationships we involve ourselves in. Last week at this time I had some ideas about this...I wanted to reject the idea that our relationships define us. I am not sure why I rejected this idea. I had an idea that our identity should be of an internal origin, but I know see that it is impossible to be exclusively inward. Being a part of a social or family system is our lifeblood, what can keep us going in the darkest of times. Last week I wrote about being a relater. I have to have connection with others. I also believe that family relationships are the most important connections we can have. For those of you not aware, my area of personal and professional interest is foster care. When you experience such a system, ideas of family are completely changed.
Last year I took a family therapy class. On the first day we learned the definition of family. And I thought it was complete bullshit. Our book said that a family consisted of something like the following (not verbatim): 2 or more people related to one another by blood or contract (marriage, adoption). A quick Google search turns up such definitions as "two people living together with children", or "a group of people sharing common ancestry". I beg to differ.
I have a background and a passion that totally contradicts this idea. I have grandparents, an aunt and an uncle that are parents; I have cousins that are siblings; I have siblings that I love so deeply they seem to be an extension of myself. I have best friends that are sisters; I have "boyfriend's kids" that I love like they are my own. I have a boyfriend that I love as much as any wife loves a husband. And I am not alone in the unconventionality. I know people who don't have any family, and people that have two or three families; and the conventional ideas that surround family can make us feel like outcasts.
I have decided that tonight, for me, this is no longer the case. Tonight I had a great dinner with my family. And although there are no legal contracts that make it so, no one can tell me otherwise. I am a girlfriend, a sister, a niece, a daughter, a cousin, and a best friend. All the people who I have such relationships with are my family. And those relationships define me as much as anything else, because being connected to people is what makes me whole.
I think family is what we decide it is. And my family is as conventional as any other because I have decided it is.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
J
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I have to find my own way
Day 7
Today makes one week. I want to take a moment to pause and think about what I have discovered so far. I have reflected on some aspects that I knew existed before, and some new ones. I knew I was textbook; I didn't fully realize my cycle of buying and purging. And, as I mentioned before, the process is the most amazing thing about this whole experience. I am finding myself being much more aware of myself and my actions during the day. This is really something since I took a class recently that was ALL about being aware and in the moment. And while it increased my awareness some, it was nothing like this. I guess sometimes I have to do it my own way.
I have found it surprisingly easy to find an hour a day to sit down and write. This is incredible. I have spent years, literally years, making excuses for things like exercising, cleaning and making time for family members because I didn't feel as if I had enough time. The fact that I have made an hour a night commitment to this blog makes me realize that I am really just making excuses. On the same note, it makes me very excited to realize that I can find the time to do some of this stuff I beat myself up for not doing. I guess I just had to find this out in my own way.
The absolute most amazing thing about this week is that I have realized something big. Really big. I am a writer. I enjoy writing. This is big for a few reasons. Let me take you back to my teenage years...I spent time in counseling. Lots of time in counseling (I am ok saying that now, wasn't always). And all the counselors I saw, and the one I saw that really worked, all suggested to me that I get my feelings out in a journal. So I tried, and tried, and tried. And always felt really stupid telling a blank piece of paper about my day. And I felt stupid because I must have not been doing it right because it wasn't working the way they said it would (yes, that being right stuff goes WAY back). So I quit journaling. Fast forward to grad school. Holy cow, talk about writing. And I always told myself I hated writing, that it was a necessary evil, a means to my preferred end. Which brings us to the present moment where I decide to write for 20 days straight! That was really unlike me. I can't put my finger on why I am enjoying this so much, why I really like being a writer all of a sudden. The only thing I can think of is that I have chosen to write the way I want to, not how a counselor or professor wants me to. I guess I had to find my own way to loving writing.
One week in, and I am in a state of awareness and discovery. I can't wait to see what the next 14 days bring. The only thing certain is that it will bring me to my 30th birthday. I have a pretty good feeling it is also going to bring me to a higher understanding of myself, but only if I do it my way.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
J
Today makes one week. I want to take a moment to pause and think about what I have discovered so far. I have reflected on some aspects that I knew existed before, and some new ones. I knew I was textbook; I didn't fully realize my cycle of buying and purging. And, as I mentioned before, the process is the most amazing thing about this whole experience. I am finding myself being much more aware of myself and my actions during the day. This is really something since I took a class recently that was ALL about being aware and in the moment. And while it increased my awareness some, it was nothing like this. I guess sometimes I have to do it my own way.
I have found it surprisingly easy to find an hour a day to sit down and write. This is incredible. I have spent years, literally years, making excuses for things like exercising, cleaning and making time for family members because I didn't feel as if I had enough time. The fact that I have made an hour a night commitment to this blog makes me realize that I am really just making excuses. On the same note, it makes me very excited to realize that I can find the time to do some of this stuff I beat myself up for not doing. I guess I just had to find this out in my own way.
The absolute most amazing thing about this week is that I have realized something big. Really big. I am a writer. I enjoy writing. This is big for a few reasons. Let me take you back to my teenage years...I spent time in counseling. Lots of time in counseling (I am ok saying that now, wasn't always). And all the counselors I saw, and the one I saw that really worked, all suggested to me that I get my feelings out in a journal. So I tried, and tried, and tried. And always felt really stupid telling a blank piece of paper about my day. And I felt stupid because I must have not been doing it right because it wasn't working the way they said it would (yes, that being right stuff goes WAY back). So I quit journaling. Fast forward to grad school. Holy cow, talk about writing. And I always told myself I hated writing, that it was a necessary evil, a means to my preferred end. Which brings us to the present moment where I decide to write for 20 days straight! That was really unlike me. I can't put my finger on why I am enjoying this so much, why I really like being a writer all of a sudden. The only thing I can think of is that I have chosen to write the way I want to, not how a counselor or professor wants me to. I guess I had to find my own way to loving writing.
One week in, and I am in a state of awareness and discovery. I can't wait to see what the next 14 days bring. The only thing certain is that it will bring me to my 30th birthday. I have a pretty good feeling it is also going to bring me to a higher understanding of myself, but only if I do it my way.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
J
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I am willing to commit
Day 6
Commitment. In general, I have always thought that I was great at committing. Take for example my relationship with WB, going 7 years strong. Or, my commitment to my education, a 10 year journey to date, with a high likelihood of continuation. Those are the really big commitments; I am not so great it turns out at the smaller commitments.
Last year, one of my dearest friends RL and I signed up for a yoga workshop at a new yoga studio in town that focused on hot/Bikram yoga. For those of you not familiar, this is a 90 minute yoga class that is done in a room that is heated to 105 degrees. With no fans or open windows. I went twice, teetering between puking and passing out for the entire 90 minutes. And then I gave up on hot yoga because it was too hard and uncomfortable. RL on the other hand committed; so much so that she took a 20 day challenge where she did this torture, otherwise known as hot yoga, everyday. I admired her commitment to such pain. The crazy thing was, she didn't find it painful, she loved it.
So what is it about committing to the small stuff? For me, I think it is about pain avoidance. It is easy to avoid the hard stuff; however, there is no gain in avoiding the hard or uncomfortable stuff. I avoid the gym and keeping my closet organized. When I am upset about something I will not speak up. I ignore my lack of commitment to the small stuff, because it is uncomfortable.
On my way home from work today I was listening to my favorite band of the moment, Mumford and Sons. A line in one of their songs stuck out for me: "I will find strength in pain". I like this for lots of reasons, but I think the biggest is that it speaks to action. It speaks to commitment. It speaks to recognizing pain, and then going one step further and committing to push through it to get to the really good stuff-the growth.
Outside of school and normal daily activities, I have never committed to doing anything for 20 days straight. Until now. And even though creating this blog every night hasn't been painful (yet), it is still a commitment. A big step for me. I have made a decision to commit, even though it may be painful at times, or at the least, a bit uncomforatble to put my stuff out there for others to see. I have made the decision to find strength in pain.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
J
Commitment. In general, I have always thought that I was great at committing. Take for example my relationship with WB, going 7 years strong. Or, my commitment to my education, a 10 year journey to date, with a high likelihood of continuation. Those are the really big commitments; I am not so great it turns out at the smaller commitments.
Last year, one of my dearest friends RL and I signed up for a yoga workshop at a new yoga studio in town that focused on hot/Bikram yoga. For those of you not familiar, this is a 90 minute yoga class that is done in a room that is heated to 105 degrees. With no fans or open windows. I went twice, teetering between puking and passing out for the entire 90 minutes. And then I gave up on hot yoga because it was too hard and uncomfortable. RL on the other hand committed; so much so that she took a 20 day challenge where she did this torture, otherwise known as hot yoga, everyday. I admired her commitment to such pain. The crazy thing was, she didn't find it painful, she loved it.
So what is it about committing to the small stuff? For me, I think it is about pain avoidance. It is easy to avoid the hard stuff; however, there is no gain in avoiding the hard or uncomfortable stuff. I avoid the gym and keeping my closet organized. When I am upset about something I will not speak up. I ignore my lack of commitment to the small stuff, because it is uncomfortable.
On my way home from work today I was listening to my favorite band of the moment, Mumford and Sons. A line in one of their songs stuck out for me: "I will find strength in pain". I like this for lots of reasons, but I think the biggest is that it speaks to action. It speaks to commitment. It speaks to recognizing pain, and then going one step further and committing to push through it to get to the really good stuff-the growth.
Outside of school and normal daily activities, I have never committed to doing anything for 20 days straight. Until now. And even though creating this blog every night hasn't been painful (yet), it is still a commitment. A big step for me. I have made a decision to commit, even though it may be painful at times, or at the least, a bit uncomforatble to put my stuff out there for others to see. I have made the decision to find strength in pain.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
J
Monday, March 7, 2011
I embrace change
Day 5
I've been thinking about change today. It has been a theme happening around me for the the last few days, and I think my reactions are curious.
Sometimes, I love change. Take for example, my hair. (Side note: I love how my hair has made two appearances in this journey so far. The truth is, I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair forever. It is thin, and fine, and curly. Talk about a winning combination.) This past weekend, I got my haircut; when I told my cousin TM I wanted bangs she looked skeptical, but we went for it anyway. And it turned out really cute. Last spring I decided I wanted to dye part of my hair bright pink--super fitting for a recent masters level graduate and future professional. And I loved that too.
But change is not always welcome by me. Tonight I went with my family for our regular Monday night spot for dinner. The menu was recently changed, at it threw everyone off. No one was really pleased with the food experience because of all the newness. Or, take the fact that as I am writing this very blog tonight, yet ANOTHER key fell off the keyboard of my 6-year-old laptop that I refuse to replace. And even though I am now missing the C, H, and new tonight, the N key, I still don't want a new laptop. I like the one I have.
So what is it about this wishy-washy attitude I have about change? I think it is about control. I am ok with changing things if I make the decision to do so. Like my hair. If it is my idea, then I will embrace the change. If not, I am not ok with it. So maybe change isn't what makes us so uncomfortable in life; it is in fact true that we can't stop change. But if we feel like we have some sense of control over it, maybe we can accept it, own it. That's why we embrace bangs, yet fear a new laptop.
And how fitting and poetic that if you add the A, G, and E keys to the already missing keys on my laptop, you can make the word change. Change and age. Maybe life isn't all that random.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
J
I've been thinking about change today. It has been a theme happening around me for the the last few days, and I think my reactions are curious.
Sometimes, I love change. Take for example, my hair. (Side note: I love how my hair has made two appearances in this journey so far. The truth is, I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair forever. It is thin, and fine, and curly. Talk about a winning combination.) This past weekend, I got my haircut; when I told my cousin TM I wanted bangs she looked skeptical, but we went for it anyway. And it turned out really cute. Last spring I decided I wanted to dye part of my hair bright pink--super fitting for a recent masters level graduate and future professional. And I loved that too.
But change is not always welcome by me. Tonight I went with my family for our regular Monday night spot for dinner. The menu was recently changed, at it threw everyone off. No one was really pleased with the food experience because of all the newness. Or, take the fact that as I am writing this very blog tonight, yet ANOTHER key fell off the keyboard of my 6-year-old laptop that I refuse to replace. And even though I am now missing the C, H, and new tonight, the N key, I still don't want a new laptop. I like the one I have.
So what is it about this wishy-washy attitude I have about change? I think it is about control. I am ok with changing things if I make the decision to do so. Like my hair. If it is my idea, then I will embrace the change. If not, I am not ok with it. So maybe change isn't what makes us so uncomfortable in life; it is in fact true that we can't stop change. But if we feel like we have some sense of control over it, maybe we can accept it, own it. That's why we embrace bangs, yet fear a new laptop.
And how fitting and poetic that if you add the A, G, and E keys to the already missing keys on my laptop, you can make the word change. Change and age. Maybe life isn't all that random.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
J
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I am aware of extraordinary growth
Day 4
I've hit the wall. I had a feeling it would happen, but not this soon.
I had only priority for this blog; to keep it organic, to pay attention during each day to my actions, thoughts and ideas. And from that, write about myself. I have lots of ideas for topics, but I don't want to write about topics I have thought about in advance. I want to be inspired by one event in a day, and then share. Maybe some of those "thought of in advance" topics will come out, but only if it is right.
So today, a typical Sunday. I went grocery shopping. Worked on some photographs and marketing for my Etsy site. Slept in a little. Enjoyed a dinner with my family, where EPB made me laugh until I cried yet again. Listened to some Gaga and Mumford while HAB got some driving practice in. It was just an ordinary day. I didn't have any major revelations, or even any small revelations. And as the day went on I was thinking about how I had NOTHING major about my day that was really worth reflecting or writing about, or really worth sharing.
And at this very moment while writing, my moment came. The process of writing about my ordinary day is what is helping me to reflect (talk about amazing!). Everyday doesn't have to be monumentally revealing. Some days are just ordinary. But they are still worth paying attention to. I am aware that having a regular old dinner with the people you love is better than most things I can think of. I am aware that the small things add up to become the really big things. And that sometimes you just have to take a time out from being super focused on your thoughts and ideas and actions, and just relax for a day. And that can be reflective all in itself.
And so, as I learned in grad school, and as I tell my students I work with now, it is about the process, not the end result. For me tonight, the process helped me get to the end result. That doesn't always happen, but I know one thing for sure: I will always learn from the process. Even when it is just an ordinary day.We may never arrive at the ultimate moment of self-reflection in each day, but if we can at least make sure we pay attention to how great the small things are, we are alive and growing.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
J
I've hit the wall. I had a feeling it would happen, but not this soon.
I had only priority for this blog; to keep it organic, to pay attention during each day to my actions, thoughts and ideas. And from that, write about myself. I have lots of ideas for topics, but I don't want to write about topics I have thought about in advance. I want to be inspired by one event in a day, and then share. Maybe some of those "thought of in advance" topics will come out, but only if it is right.
So today, a typical Sunday. I went grocery shopping. Worked on some photographs and marketing for my Etsy site. Slept in a little. Enjoyed a dinner with my family, where EPB made me laugh until I cried yet again. Listened to some Gaga and Mumford while HAB got some driving practice in. It was just an ordinary day. I didn't have any major revelations, or even any small revelations. And as the day went on I was thinking about how I had NOTHING major about my day that was really worth reflecting or writing about, or really worth sharing.
And at this very moment while writing, my moment came. The process of writing about my ordinary day is what is helping me to reflect (talk about amazing!). Everyday doesn't have to be monumentally revealing. Some days are just ordinary. But they are still worth paying attention to. I am aware that having a regular old dinner with the people you love is better than most things I can think of. I am aware that the small things add up to become the really big things. And that sometimes you just have to take a time out from being super focused on your thoughts and ideas and actions, and just relax for a day. And that can be reflective all in itself.
And so, as I learned in grad school, and as I tell my students I work with now, it is about the process, not the end result. For me tonight, the process helped me get to the end result. That doesn't always happen, but I know one thing for sure: I will always learn from the process. Even when it is just an ordinary day.We may never arrive at the ultimate moment of self-reflection in each day, but if we can at least make sure we pay attention to how great the small things are, we are alive and growing.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
J
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I love "stuff"
Day 3
This past week I did some shopping. New sunglasses on Wednesday; new eye pillows and leggings Friday night. Last week there was a new coat, new work clothes. I don't think I am a shopaholic-I just love "stuff". I like looking at stuff, buying stuff, and having stuff. I have lots of hair stuff; gels, mouse, leave-in conditioners, hairspray, heat spray, 2 curling irons, a flat iron, etc. I have lots of beauty stuff; I currently have 5 bottles of lotion that I use regularly, 4 bottles of perfume, about 20 different shades of eyeshadow, and 8 sticks of eyeliner, just to name a few. I have lots of house stuff; picture frames that don't have photos in them, candles that have never been lit. The list could go on and on.
So what is the root of all this stuff? Well, I have thought that maybe I like stuff because I didn't have much stuff when I was a kid, so I am trying to make up for it now somehow. Or maybe, it is like a mini-addiction, a form of disease, that I just can't stop shopping. But, I really can't buy either of those ideas. I am not going broke shopping. I just think it's who I am. I just like stuff.
This whole thing is lost on WB. It is pretty common for us to have the following conversation:
Me: I'm going to Target, do you need anything?
WB: No. What are you going to Target for?
Me: To look at stuff.
WB: Like what?
Me: I don't know yet, but I will find something.
And I always find something-who doesn't at Target (or Kohl's, or Macy's, or online)!
But, every once in a while, it happens. It is usually when I don't get much sleep, or if I don't feel good. When I am grumpy. My "stuff" turns to "shit". As in-"How did we get so much shit in the medicine cabinet?" or "What is all this shit in the closet?" or "How are we going to fit all this shit in the fridge?" And when that happens, out come the trash bags, and the purging begins. It is all very organized, and usually my friends benefit from my stuff turning to shit. So, if I bring you a bag of clothes I think you might like, make-up or beauty products I don't use anymore, it is likely because in the past week I had an episode where my stuff turned into shit.
The beauty of all this is when my "stuff" turns to "shit", it opens up room for more stuff! Oh the wonderful irony!
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
J
This past week I did some shopping. New sunglasses on Wednesday; new eye pillows and leggings Friday night. Last week there was a new coat, new work clothes. I don't think I am a shopaholic-I just love "stuff". I like looking at stuff, buying stuff, and having stuff. I have lots of hair stuff; gels, mouse, leave-in conditioners, hairspray, heat spray, 2 curling irons, a flat iron, etc. I have lots of beauty stuff; I currently have 5 bottles of lotion that I use regularly, 4 bottles of perfume, about 20 different shades of eyeshadow, and 8 sticks of eyeliner, just to name a few. I have lots of house stuff; picture frames that don't have photos in them, candles that have never been lit. The list could go on and on.
So what is the root of all this stuff? Well, I have thought that maybe I like stuff because I didn't have much stuff when I was a kid, so I am trying to make up for it now somehow. Or maybe, it is like a mini-addiction, a form of disease, that I just can't stop shopping. But, I really can't buy either of those ideas. I am not going broke shopping. I just think it's who I am. I just like stuff.
This whole thing is lost on WB. It is pretty common for us to have the following conversation:
Me: I'm going to Target, do you need anything?
WB: No. What are you going to Target for?
Me: To look at stuff.
WB: Like what?
Me: I don't know yet, but I will find something.
And I always find something-who doesn't at Target (or Kohl's, or Macy's, or online)!
But, every once in a while, it happens. It is usually when I don't get much sleep, or if I don't feel good. When I am grumpy. My "stuff" turns to "shit". As in-"How did we get so much shit in the medicine cabinet?" or "What is all this shit in the closet?" or "How are we going to fit all this shit in the fridge?" And when that happens, out come the trash bags, and the purging begins. It is all very organized, and usually my friends benefit from my stuff turning to shit. So, if I bring you a bag of clothes I think you might like, make-up or beauty products I don't use anymore, it is likely because in the past week I had an episode where my stuff turned into shit.
The beauty of all this is when my "stuff" turns to "shit", it opens up room for more stuff! Oh the wonderful irony!
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
J
Friday, March 4, 2011
I am inspired
Day 2
I have often thought of what your profession says about you. It is so important in our culture...what is one of the first questions you ask someone when you first meet him? One will almost always be, "what do you do?".
So, this may leave you wondering, if you don't already know, what do I do? I am a social worker. But what does this mean about who I am? Sure, it means I am caring. That I am concerned with issues like social justice, equal rights, dignity and worth of all people. These are all true. But there is more. In describing my "about me", I can say I am a social worker, but that does not even come close to capturing why I am a social worker. Aside from the above, there are two main reasons.
First, I am inspired everyday by the amazing young people I work with. There is magic in watching a young person who is carrying the weight of the world on his/her shoulders because of many life circumstances, who can push through to do something as benign as getting to class, writing a paper or going to a job interview. Talk about strength. It is a constant reminder that life is worth fighting for. This happens for me everyday.
Second, I am a relater. I work at a university, and this week was spring break. This meant a VERY quiet campus. While this was a chance to catch up on some tasks, it was very quiet. I am looking forward to the students coming back to campus, but the quiet was a gift in a way. It gave me the opportunity to examine why I love having people around, rather than quiet. I now know (even more) why I am social worker: for connection, relatedness.
While many people define themselves by what they do, I would rather think that who I am defines what I do.
About me:
I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
J
I have often thought of what your profession says about you. It is so important in our culture...what is one of the first questions you ask someone when you first meet him? One will almost always be, "what do you do?".
So, this may leave you wondering, if you don't already know, what do I do? I am a social worker. But what does this mean about who I am? Sure, it means I am caring. That I am concerned with issues like social justice, equal rights, dignity and worth of all people. These are all true. But there is more. In describing my "about me", I can say I am a social worker, but that does not even come close to capturing why I am a social worker. Aside from the above, there are two main reasons.
First, I am inspired everyday by the amazing young people I work with. There is magic in watching a young person who is carrying the weight of the world on his/her shoulders because of many life circumstances, who can push through to do something as benign as getting to class, writing a paper or going to a job interview. Talk about strength. It is a constant reminder that life is worth fighting for. This happens for me everyday.
Second, I am a relater. I work at a university, and this week was spring break. This meant a VERY quiet campus. While this was a chance to catch up on some tasks, it was very quiet. I am looking forward to the students coming back to campus, but the quiet was a gift in a way. It gave me the opportunity to examine why I love having people around, rather than quiet. I now know (even more) why I am social worker: for connection, relatedness.
While many people define themselves by what they do, I would rather think that who I am defines what I do.
About me:
I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
J
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I am a rightionist
Day 1
I am.
Since my first post last night, I have been thinking of what amazing insights I was going to share tonight in my first reflection. And I had nothing. And so it goes, my pattern. When I signed for MySpace 6 years ago, Facebook 3 years ago, Etsy 2 months ago, I was faced with this exact dilemma. The empty "about me" me box staring at me from my screen. And, as previously discussed, I fill it with words that make me sound like an 80 year-old lonely cat lady. So, all day I have been thinking about what I would write tonight. Thinking that my musings must be profound, extraordinary, spectacular. Perfect. RIGHT.
About 30 minutes ago I was eating dinner with my boyfriend, WB, when he reminded me that I had to blog tonight. Like I had forgot. I told him I was a bit nervous about it, because I didn't know what to write. It needed to be good, lots of people were going to read it! And then he gave me the gift of reflection in the moment, and consequently, my topic.
So, the journey begins. Somewhere along the line, I have become used to the idea that I must do everything RIGHT. Not perfect, but right. Not a perfectionist, but a "rightionist". This does not translate into arguments (WB may disagree), but rather into tasks I have taken on. There is a reason that my nickname at work is "textbook". As my co-worker TL would say, since he gave the nickname, I do everything like it says it should be done in the textbook. And it is 100% true. And 100% boring. And 100% hindering.
For example, a few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to train to run a 5k. I hate running. But, this did not stop me from latching on to this idea. Because the RIGHT and the best way to lose weight is to run. Of course, I needed to run the 5k RIGHT. So, I spent 2 days researching 5k training plans online until I found the RIGHT one. I printed it, and hung it on the fridge. The plan states I should run on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. It has been there for 6 weeks. I haven't run once. Why? Because, I don't have the RIGHT shoes. And when I feel motivated to begin this routine, I look at the plan, and it isn't the RIGHT day. Seriously. I actually will not run for 20 minutes on the treadmill because it is Wednesday, not Tuesday. This is one example, but there are many more. I work so much on getting a project started the RIGHT way, that sometimes I never even get started. And sadly, I almost always lose my creativity along the way.
At the end of my dinner conversation with WB, he said to me, "sometimes you just have to wing it". And I just did.
About me:
I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
J
I am.
Since my first post last night, I have been thinking of what amazing insights I was going to share tonight in my first reflection. And I had nothing. And so it goes, my pattern. When I signed for MySpace 6 years ago, Facebook 3 years ago, Etsy 2 months ago, I was faced with this exact dilemma. The empty "about me" me box staring at me from my screen. And, as previously discussed, I fill it with words that make me sound like an 80 year-old lonely cat lady. So, all day I have been thinking about what I would write tonight. Thinking that my musings must be profound, extraordinary, spectacular. Perfect. RIGHT.
About 30 minutes ago I was eating dinner with my boyfriend, WB, when he reminded me that I had to blog tonight. Like I had forgot. I told him I was a bit nervous about it, because I didn't know what to write. It needed to be good, lots of people were going to read it! And then he gave me the gift of reflection in the moment, and consequently, my topic.
So, the journey begins. Somewhere along the line, I have become used to the idea that I must do everything RIGHT. Not perfect, but right. Not a perfectionist, but a "rightionist". This does not translate into arguments (WB may disagree), but rather into tasks I have taken on. There is a reason that my nickname at work is "textbook". As my co-worker TL would say, since he gave the nickname, I do everything like it says it should be done in the textbook. And it is 100% true. And 100% boring. And 100% hindering.
For example, a few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to train to run a 5k. I hate running. But, this did not stop me from latching on to this idea. Because the RIGHT and the best way to lose weight is to run. Of course, I needed to run the 5k RIGHT. So, I spent 2 days researching 5k training plans online until I found the RIGHT one. I printed it, and hung it on the fridge. The plan states I should run on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. It has been there for 6 weeks. I haven't run once. Why? Because, I don't have the RIGHT shoes. And when I feel motivated to begin this routine, I look at the plan, and it isn't the RIGHT day. Seriously. I actually will not run for 20 minutes on the treadmill because it is Wednesday, not Tuesday. This is one example, but there are many more. I work so much on getting a project started the RIGHT way, that sometimes I never even get started. And sadly, I almost always lose my creativity along the way.
At the end of my dinner conversation with WB, he said to me, "sometimes you just have to wing it". And I just did.
About me:
I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
J
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
20 days to 30
I will be 30 in 20 days.
This past weekend an event occurred that was small if you were observing, but was monumental in my life. I recently joined a social site that required me to write an "about me" section. I wrote what I knew about me; my profession, things I like to do, information about my pets. A few days later I went to breakfast with a group of friends, which included a dear friend of mine, AC. And then it happened.
AC told me my "about me" section made me sound like a "lesbian spinster". Now, I have nothing against lesbians or spinsters, but I am in fact neither. My eyes began to water (I was not crying, but rather having my normal physiological response to being made fun of). After the joking subsided, AC said something that I can't get out of my head. He said, "I know you, and what you wrote doesn't come close to describing the person you are".
I went on with my Sunday, but kept thinking about what AC had said. Of course, I re-wrote my "about me" on my site, but only re-worded what I had wrote in a way that made me seem younger. I took the sentence about my cats out, and inserted a sentence about doing yoga, something that young, cool people do. I texted AC for his opinion, and he gave the thumbs-up. But the truth was I had absolutely no idea what to write in my about me section.
So. I am almost 30. I have no idea what I can tell people about me that really captures what I am about. Which brings me to the present moment. I can tell you about my profession and my passion. I can tell you what I enjoy spending my time doing. I can tell you about my wonderful family and friends. But I am beginning to realize that none of these things really define who I am fully. So for the next 20 days I will be writing a blog per day about me. This mini-journey is about finding me; about writing my "about me" section in the future in a way that captures the dynamic, intelligent person that I am. I am not sure what direction this will take me; there is no plan. It probably won't all be positive. It will definitely not be all negative. My only hope is that it is fun, interesting, enlightening, and filled with love and passion. Because that is what I owe myself.
Being 30 does not freak me out. Turning 30 and not being able to describe who I am does.
J
This past weekend an event occurred that was small if you were observing, but was monumental in my life. I recently joined a social site that required me to write an "about me" section. I wrote what I knew about me; my profession, things I like to do, information about my pets. A few days later I went to breakfast with a group of friends, which included a dear friend of mine, AC. And then it happened.
AC told me my "about me" section made me sound like a "lesbian spinster". Now, I have nothing against lesbians or spinsters, but I am in fact neither. My eyes began to water (I was not crying, but rather having my normal physiological response to being made fun of). After the joking subsided, AC said something that I can't get out of my head. He said, "I know you, and what you wrote doesn't come close to describing the person you are".
I went on with my Sunday, but kept thinking about what AC had said. Of course, I re-wrote my "about me" on my site, but only re-worded what I had wrote in a way that made me seem younger. I took the sentence about my cats out, and inserted a sentence about doing yoga, something that young, cool people do. I texted AC for his opinion, and he gave the thumbs-up. But the truth was I had absolutely no idea what to write in my about me section.
So. I am almost 30. I have no idea what I can tell people about me that really captures what I am about. Which brings me to the present moment. I can tell you about my profession and my passion. I can tell you what I enjoy spending my time doing. I can tell you about my wonderful family and friends. But I am beginning to realize that none of these things really define who I am fully. So for the next 20 days I will be writing a blog per day about me. This mini-journey is about finding me; about writing my "about me" section in the future in a way that captures the dynamic, intelligent person that I am. I am not sure what direction this will take me; there is no plan. It probably won't all be positive. It will definitely not be all negative. My only hope is that it is fun, interesting, enlightening, and filled with love and passion. Because that is what I owe myself.
Being 30 does not freak me out. Turning 30 and not being able to describe who I am does.
J
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