One of the biggest challenges I have decided to tackle in my 30's is running. I have completed one 5K, and will do my second this Saturday. For the past 3 months I have been running when I can, mostly to make sure that I can complete the races I sign up for. Today, I had an appointment at the end of the day which was very close to the trail I like to run on, so I decided it was a good time to make that last run before the race this Saturday. I felt the same about it as I feel every time I am going to go for a run (not a race, just a run on my own)-nervous, worried, butterflies in my stomach, running through the mental checklist of all the things I need....proper clothes, inhaler, headphones, playlist....and on and on.
Today, as I usually do, I picked the route I would take; I mentally made note of what I was up to completing. There is no rhyme or reason to this decision, I just make a judgement of myself for the day, and then stick to it. I am serious about not giving up during these runs, no walking, no stopping. And for some reason, I decided all I had in me tonight was the short loop on the trail instead of the full run. So I started my run tonight in this most typical fashion. And had the most fantastic insight.
As I began my run, I began to feel gratitude for the chance to take time for just me in my day. I realized that I had given myself the permission to spend 45 minutes with myself. And as much as I enjoy my work and personal relationships, this 45 minute run was only about me. It sounds simple, but was profound on that trail. I felt so grateful that I had given this to myself. And as it goes when you are in your head, I began to think if this was related to why I feel so nervous before I run, and why I would make a decision about my distance tonight before even feeling what the run would be like. That's when I realized that I often don't give to myself what I take pride in giving to others: non-judgmental kindness. I judge myself, expect perfection from myself. I reserve this only for me. In my work and personal relationships I encourage others to learn from mistakes, take healthy risks, put themselves out there. To be kind to themselves, be non-judgmental. But when it comes to me, I chose to take the short loop on the trail so I don't risk judging myself if I have to walk 10 steps to catch my breath. I am not forgiving or kind.
So tonight, as I approached the distance I predetermined in my head, I consciously decided to be kind to myself. I decided to take a healthy risk. I decided to take the long loop on the trail, to walk if I needed to, and most importantly, to not judge myself for doing so if needed. When I got to a small bridge that overlooked the water, I stopped and looked for a minute. It skewed my run time, but did wonders for my peace of mind as water always does. I ran the long loop, and then went farther. I had the best run I have ever had. I didn't want to stop, and had what must be that elusive thing called "runners high" for a good 2 hours after. By making the decision to be kind to myself, I cleared out all those nerves about meeting this expectation that no one but me knew about. I don't think I'll ever be nervous before a run again, only grateful and accepting of myself even if I have to walk. I have chosen to be kind to me, as I am with others.
J
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
On the run
I'm back! Well, I never really went anywhere, just keeping busy with life. The past few days I have been feeling like writing, so I thought I would do so in a way that I can share with everyone.
I am brought back to this blog by yet another event. This one is self-inflicted (unlike turning 30!), but is not any different that the first. I am challenging myself-I have signed up to run a 5K. Holy. Crap. If you read my "20 days to 30" blog, you may remember why it is a huge deal for me to actually sign up for a 5K. If not, you may be thinking that a 5K isn't really that big of a deal. Either way, here's a bit of history....
My earliest memories of running are closely tied to being called an ostrich. My sister kindly gave me this nickname after seeing the funny way my legs kicked out the side when I ran really fast. That nickname stuck; most of my family members have referred to it at one time or another over the years. Even Warren is in on the joke. And really, I can't deny that it's true, and also kind of funny.
Fast forward to high school. In order to pass gym class, we had to run a 12 minute mile. I failed three times. My aunt took action, and taught me how to power-walk a 10 minute mile so I didn't fail gym class. So, during the end of the year tests, I was the only person who walked the "run a mile" test. Thank goodness for Debbie helping me, otherwise I would have surely failed gym class my sophomore year.
Adulthood...I try running over and over again, but quit over and over again. It hurts my feet. And my ankles, and calves. My asthma is too bad, I can't breathe. I can't run a mile. I run like an ostrich. I believe that I suck at running, so I do. At the gym I avoid the treadmill, always choosing an elliptical instead.
About 3 weeks ago Warren's daughter Haley sent me an email with a link to a 5K, and asked me to run it with her. This was it, time to face that running demon again. But I am older and wiser these days, so I thought about how I could do this a different way. In such a way that I don't quit again. So I started thinking about how my history with running has contributed to all my quitting. I haven't believed that I could be any good at running since I was a kid. Since the ostrich nickname, the gym class failure, and then reinforced as an adult every time I quit.
Haley and I went for a run that night to begin our training for this 5K. I had to walk a couple of times, but I made it. A couple nights later I went again, and ran a full mile without walking once for the first time ever. I was SO excited. I have realized that there is nothing physically stopping me from being a decent runner. It's all in my head. I have believed for so long that I suck at running; those beliefs have translated into fear of running, avoidance of running, and quitting when it starts to hurt because hurting while running must be a result of my inability to be a runner. No longer.
I have been running regularly for 2 weeks now, and every time I go out I have to consciously fight the thoughts that I can't do it. It gets easier every time...as does the running. I am running over 1.5 miles without walking at all now, and this upcoming week will increase to over 2 miles. Interestingly, as I run I not only fight the thoughts of not being good at running away, but also think about what else I am not doing in life just because I think I am not good at it. I know that I will be ready to run that 5K at the end of June. And maybe I will be doing other new things I was afraid of before all because I beleive I am not good at it. Except for math. I will always suck at math.
J
I am brought back to this blog by yet another event. This one is self-inflicted (unlike turning 30!), but is not any different that the first. I am challenging myself-I have signed up to run a 5K. Holy. Crap. If you read my "20 days to 30" blog, you may remember why it is a huge deal for me to actually sign up for a 5K. If not, you may be thinking that a 5K isn't really that big of a deal. Either way, here's a bit of history....
My earliest memories of running are closely tied to being called an ostrich. My sister kindly gave me this nickname after seeing the funny way my legs kicked out the side when I ran really fast. That nickname stuck; most of my family members have referred to it at one time or another over the years. Even Warren is in on the joke. And really, I can't deny that it's true, and also kind of funny.
Fast forward to high school. In order to pass gym class, we had to run a 12 minute mile. I failed three times. My aunt took action, and taught me how to power-walk a 10 minute mile so I didn't fail gym class. So, during the end of the year tests, I was the only person who walked the "run a mile" test. Thank goodness for Debbie helping me, otherwise I would have surely failed gym class my sophomore year.
Adulthood...I try running over and over again, but quit over and over again. It hurts my feet. And my ankles, and calves. My asthma is too bad, I can't breathe. I can't run a mile. I run like an ostrich. I believe that I suck at running, so I do. At the gym I avoid the treadmill, always choosing an elliptical instead.
About 3 weeks ago Warren's daughter Haley sent me an email with a link to a 5K, and asked me to run it with her. This was it, time to face that running demon again. But I am older and wiser these days, so I thought about how I could do this a different way. In such a way that I don't quit again. So I started thinking about how my history with running has contributed to all my quitting. I haven't believed that I could be any good at running since I was a kid. Since the ostrich nickname, the gym class failure, and then reinforced as an adult every time I quit.
Haley and I went for a run that night to begin our training for this 5K. I had to walk a couple of times, but I made it. A couple nights later I went again, and ran a full mile without walking once for the first time ever. I was SO excited. I have realized that there is nothing physically stopping me from being a decent runner. It's all in my head. I have believed for so long that I suck at running; those beliefs have translated into fear of running, avoidance of running, and quitting when it starts to hurt because hurting while running must be a result of my inability to be a runner. No longer.
I have been running regularly for 2 weeks now, and every time I go out I have to consciously fight the thoughts that I can't do it. It gets easier every time...as does the running. I am running over 1.5 miles without walking at all now, and this upcoming week will increase to over 2 miles. Interestingly, as I run I not only fight the thoughts of not being good at running away, but also think about what else I am not doing in life just because I think I am not good at it. I know that I will be ready to run that 5K at the end of June. And maybe I will be doing other new things I was afraid of before all because I beleive I am not good at it. Except for math. I will always suck at math.
J
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Foreword [I am proud]
Well, here I am. 30. It isn't all that bad.
I have signed in tonight to share one of my birthday gifts with everyone. As all of you who have followed me are aware, my 20 days to 30 blog was sparked by one of my dearest friends AC. On my birthday I went for some ice cream with AC, where he presented me with an amazing gift. AC took all my blogs and made them into a printed book; it was complete with a "problogue" and an "epiblogue", and the cherry on top, a foreward written by AC, a letter to me. He is now officially my first editor, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I waited a few days to keep this wonderful gift for myself and those closest to me...I am now ready to share it with the world. Read below for AC's foreward, now a part of one of the most amazing things I have ever done for myself. I am honored to know that AC was there with me every step of the way, editing ad reflecting in his own way as I did some inner work. I know he wasn't the only one. Enjoy.
J
Foreword [I am proud]
I did it.
I went and opened my mouth, in jest for the most part, but out of genuine concern that someone might mistake my wonderful, interesting, funny, intelligent, beautiful and witty friend for a nasty, dull, humorless, dumb, ugly and slow one. I thought it might help you sell more crafts. I never expected to get the message later that evening with a link to your first post and discover that my observation had sparked a journey (albeit a relatively short one considering your age {ha!}) to discover yourself.
I waited daily (as I know many others did) to see what you had in your bag of tricks. Some things I already knew about you, and some were entirely fresh perspectives. I found myself reflecting on your courage and determination; the ingredients necessary to examine yourself in such a deep and public (gasp!) way every evening. You inspired me to get back to doing a little writing myself and gave me the confidence to proceed with a very important phase of development in my own life right now. I found your posts profound at times, silly at others but truly spoken from the heart – exactly how I would describe you as a person and a friend.
So this is my 30th birthday present to you. I thought that there might be people without access to the internet, or a general disdain for all things ‘techie’ that should have the opportunity to see what you have been working on. And though it is far from a real book, it is something worth putting on a shelf and taking down from time to time to hold in your hands and feel. I took some liberties with typeface, layout and corrections (there weren’t many except for your penchant for using a single space after periods.) I left the rest intact because, even though ‘grammar-correct’ on Microsoft Word disagreed in some spots, when you write like you speak the true ‘Jamie I know’ comes shining through. I’ll consider it my first editing job and I couldn’t imagine working with a better author. I am very proud of you and you should feel a great sense of accomplishment.
If someone had told you 20 days ago that you needed to have a 12,000 word, 20-page paper, describing yourself due on the 23rd of March, you probably would have thought it nearly impossible. Well, here it is. And it is impressive.
Just like you.
All my love,
AC
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I am grateful
Day 20
Little reminders are coming at me all day today that the big day is here; EB keeps calling me "Ma'am" (so not funny), and I had to make that yearly trip to the Secretary of State to renew my registration. And I am actually at piece with turning 30. I am going to do it with grace. I have enjoyed spending 19 days reflecting on my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes. I have found awareness within my busy days. I have had wonderful conversations with people based on my writing. I have readers in North America, Russia, Asia and Europe, which is absolutely incredible to me.
I got a birthday gift from my parents tonight..and what do you know, it is an e-reader, like I proclaimed last week I would never like. I was wrong. It is really cool. (Thanks D&G!) So on this last night, I will reflect for a moment on the momentum of life. There is a certain momentum to life, something that keeps going whether we like it to or not. Like waves rolling along a stretch of ocean, we can interrupt the wave and maybe send it in a different direction slightly, but it is going to keep moving forward no matter how hard we try. We will grow older. Things around us will change. We don't have much control over it. But we do have control over how we reside in the space of that momentum. So, going into my 30's with a ton of momentum at my back, I choose to be open-minded, graceful, accepting. I have long been accepting of others, and in my 30's, I will take some time to be more accepting of me. I will step into my new decade tomorrow with confidence and awareness of who I am. And I will remain open-minded to the possibilities that momentum brings. Even when that momentum brings me face to face with something I said I would hate without ever really trying, such as electronic books. I am open. Maybe I can embrace change that isn't my idea.
One last note. I am grateful. Gratefulness can bring happiness, so practice it everyday. Notice one thing each day you are happy to be a part of. For me, this has happened 19 times, and will happen one more time tonight. And while I can not keep writing every single night, my love for the written (or typed) word will keep me writing here. So please stay tuned for more reflections as they strike me. Signing off.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
20. I am grateful, graceful. I am accepting of myself. I am 30.
J
Little reminders are coming at me all day today that the big day is here; EB keeps calling me "Ma'am" (so not funny), and I had to make that yearly trip to the Secretary of State to renew my registration. And I am actually at piece with turning 30. I am going to do it with grace. I have enjoyed spending 19 days reflecting on my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes. I have found awareness within my busy days. I have had wonderful conversations with people based on my writing. I have readers in North America, Russia, Asia and Europe, which is absolutely incredible to me.
I got a birthday gift from my parents tonight..and what do you know, it is an e-reader, like I proclaimed last week I would never like. I was wrong. It is really cool. (Thanks D&G!) So on this last night, I will reflect for a moment on the momentum of life. There is a certain momentum to life, something that keeps going whether we like it to or not. Like waves rolling along a stretch of ocean, we can interrupt the wave and maybe send it in a different direction slightly, but it is going to keep moving forward no matter how hard we try. We will grow older. Things around us will change. We don't have much control over it. But we do have control over how we reside in the space of that momentum. So, going into my 30's with a ton of momentum at my back, I choose to be open-minded, graceful, accepting. I have long been accepting of others, and in my 30's, I will take some time to be more accepting of me. I will step into my new decade tomorrow with confidence and awareness of who I am. And I will remain open-minded to the possibilities that momentum brings. Even when that momentum brings me face to face with something I said I would hate without ever really trying, such as electronic books. I am open. Maybe I can embrace change that isn't my idea.
One last note. I am grateful. Gratefulness can bring happiness, so practice it everyday. Notice one thing each day you are happy to be a part of. For me, this has happened 19 times, and will happen one more time tonight. And while I can not keep writing every single night, my love for the written (or typed) word will keep me writing here. So please stay tuned for more reflections as they strike me. Signing off.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
20. I am grateful, graceful. I am accepting of myself. I am 30.
J
Monday, March 21, 2011
I am a following leader
Day 19
Almost there! I was driving in the car tonight and got a weird feeling in my stomach, a cross between dread and excitement. I have made a conscious decision lately to pay attention to physical reactions, especially when they come out of nowhere, so this sensation made me come out of lala land...and I realized I was thinking about being 30 in 2 days. My brain says it is no big deal...my heart isn't so sure. One thing that is for certain...it's happening whether I like it or not.
So, at work today I heard a student say something that was wonderful. This student said-"sometimes you have to follow to be a leader". I thought about this notion all day, and I am still not too sure why I love it so much. So, it should be no surprise that I want to do some reflecting on it right here and now.
I have spent a lot of years being a follower. When I was younger I didn't have much confidence, but I always knew when I liked something. Unfortunately, I usually liked something as soon as someone else did. I'm sure this really ticked my friends off...as soon as they liked a song, I bought the single on cassette (remember those?!); as soon as I saw a cute skirt, I immediately asked where it was from so I could go look at it. Honestly, this was not to be annoying or a copy-cat, I just needed some validation from another person that something was cool, because I wasn't sure enough of myself to trust my own opinion. I never really had my own ideas. (Quick digression: this is pretty big for me to be putting out there...it's one of those things you remember with shame and embarrassment when you look back. However, I have promised to find strength and growth in pain. Onward.)
I think the reason that I was so struck by the notion of being a leader by following others is that I have spent 29 years, 363 days thinking that following others was a weakness, something to be ashamed of. Aren't we praised for originality, creativity, uniqueness? Doesn't it make the fashion pages when two celebrities show up wearing the same dress to an event? There are leadership conferences, leadership seminars, leadership awards...have you ever heard of a "follower award"? Yeah, me neither.
But isn't it the case that following others can be a sign of a desire to learn from others? A sign of a yearning for connectedness, an indication that you want to belong? I ask this in question form because I don't really know the answer. However, in my opinion, when we belong and feel connected to others, our confidence grows, we gain the ability to use our voice. And from that, leadership qualities can emerge.
For all of you who have commented on my courageousness in embarking on this journey, today is the day that I have been the bravest...it isn't easy to admit something you feel shame about. Paying attention to the knot in my stomach as I prepare to push the "publish" button tells me I have gone farther tonight in my reflecting than I have yet. But in doing so, I consider myself a leader even more. I speak up, I voice my opinion. Other people look to me for advice, for input, for connection. I belong. I once followed others, and sometimes still do. And in that following, I found my place, and have become a leader as well.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
J
Almost there! I was driving in the car tonight and got a weird feeling in my stomach, a cross between dread and excitement. I have made a conscious decision lately to pay attention to physical reactions, especially when they come out of nowhere, so this sensation made me come out of lala land...and I realized I was thinking about being 30 in 2 days. My brain says it is no big deal...my heart isn't so sure. One thing that is for certain...it's happening whether I like it or not.
So, at work today I heard a student say something that was wonderful. This student said-"sometimes you have to follow to be a leader". I thought about this notion all day, and I am still not too sure why I love it so much. So, it should be no surprise that I want to do some reflecting on it right here and now.
I have spent a lot of years being a follower. When I was younger I didn't have much confidence, but I always knew when I liked something. Unfortunately, I usually liked something as soon as someone else did. I'm sure this really ticked my friends off...as soon as they liked a song, I bought the single on cassette (remember those?!); as soon as I saw a cute skirt, I immediately asked where it was from so I could go look at it. Honestly, this was not to be annoying or a copy-cat, I just needed some validation from another person that something was cool, because I wasn't sure enough of myself to trust my own opinion. I never really had my own ideas. (Quick digression: this is pretty big for me to be putting out there...it's one of those things you remember with shame and embarrassment when you look back. However, I have promised to find strength and growth in pain. Onward.)
I think the reason that I was so struck by the notion of being a leader by following others is that I have spent 29 years, 363 days thinking that following others was a weakness, something to be ashamed of. Aren't we praised for originality, creativity, uniqueness? Doesn't it make the fashion pages when two celebrities show up wearing the same dress to an event? There are leadership conferences, leadership seminars, leadership awards...have you ever heard of a "follower award"? Yeah, me neither.
But isn't it the case that following others can be a sign of a desire to learn from others? A sign of a yearning for connectedness, an indication that you want to belong? I ask this in question form because I don't really know the answer. However, in my opinion, when we belong and feel connected to others, our confidence grows, we gain the ability to use our voice. And from that, leadership qualities can emerge.
For all of you who have commented on my courageousness in embarking on this journey, today is the day that I have been the bravest...it isn't easy to admit something you feel shame about. Paying attention to the knot in my stomach as I prepare to push the "publish" button tells me I have gone farther tonight in my reflecting than I have yet. But in doing so, I consider myself a leader even more. I speak up, I voice my opinion. Other people look to me for advice, for input, for connection. I belong. I once followed others, and sometimes still do. And in that following, I found my place, and have become a leader as well.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
19. I am a following leader.
J
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I am a product of thinking
Day 18
Better today...still accepting of where I was yesterday.
Us social workers are big on the environment. I am not referring to being "green", but instead understanding how the environment impacts our behavior, beliefs, actions, decisions. I was thinking about this today, specifically how the environments I encounter help shape who I am.
I had a mid-twenties crisis when I was about 26. It was at that age that I got lost in stores. Now, this is pretty distressing for someone who likes stuff as much as I do. It was totally not anticipated, and came out of the blue. And, it was powerful-it stopped me from shopping for a while. So, here is what happened. I went to a department store, something like Kohl's or Macy's. I went to the juniors section, and had an epiphany. I was too old to shop there. I was too old to wear short shorts; the styles of the tops were too young; the patterns were too juvenile. I was stumped. I remember thinking, "Hmmm, maybe it's time to look at the other sections". This didn't go well. I walked over to the woman's section, and the made a straight beeline to the door. I wasn't ready for the clothes in that section either! I was completely lost, but I wasn't alone. I started talking to other women my age, and realized there wasn't really places in department stores for late 20 somethings-it was 16 or 35, no gray area.
I could probably go on about how our culture is contributing to lack of identity, but it is not my intention to get all academic or political. But I think it is important for each of us, as women, as men, as young people, as middle age and older people, pay attention to the environment around us, and how it contributes to our own identity. As I approach 30, I am comfortable with where I shop in a store. But I am aware that I will have to switch sections again at some point, and I will probably take it personal. I will probably feel as if I need to change something about myself to fit in to the next socially acceptable compartment. But hopefully a little bit less than when I was 26 and lost in stores.
Conclusion 3: I am connected to everything around me, even something as small as feeling lost in a store. I am aware that while my environment has an influence over me, it is more important for me to influence my environment. Next time, I will just try a new store. Or, just make my own store for all the mid-twenties people out there. I don't have to fit into anyone's black and white box-I happen to like gray very much.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
J
Better today...still accepting of where I was yesterday.
Us social workers are big on the environment. I am not referring to being "green", but instead understanding how the environment impacts our behavior, beliefs, actions, decisions. I was thinking about this today, specifically how the environments I encounter help shape who I am.
I had a mid-twenties crisis when I was about 26. It was at that age that I got lost in stores. Now, this is pretty distressing for someone who likes stuff as much as I do. It was totally not anticipated, and came out of the blue. And, it was powerful-it stopped me from shopping for a while. So, here is what happened. I went to a department store, something like Kohl's or Macy's. I went to the juniors section, and had an epiphany. I was too old to shop there. I was too old to wear short shorts; the styles of the tops were too young; the patterns were too juvenile. I was stumped. I remember thinking, "Hmmm, maybe it's time to look at the other sections". This didn't go well. I walked over to the woman's section, and the made a straight beeline to the door. I wasn't ready for the clothes in that section either! I was completely lost, but I wasn't alone. I started talking to other women my age, and realized there wasn't really places in department stores for late 20 somethings-it was 16 or 35, no gray area.
I could probably go on about how our culture is contributing to lack of identity, but it is not my intention to get all academic or political. But I think it is important for each of us, as women, as men, as young people, as middle age and older people, pay attention to the environment around us, and how it contributes to our own identity. As I approach 30, I am comfortable with where I shop in a store. But I am aware that I will have to switch sections again at some point, and I will probably take it personal. I will probably feel as if I need to change something about myself to fit in to the next socially acceptable compartment. But hopefully a little bit less than when I was 26 and lost in stores.
Conclusion 3: I am connected to everything around me, even something as small as feeling lost in a store. I am aware that while my environment has an influence over me, it is more important for me to influence my environment. Next time, I will just try a new store. Or, just make my own store for all the mid-twenties people out there. I don't have to fit into anyone's black and white box-I happen to like gray very much.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
18. I am a product of thinking about my environment
J
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I am human
Day 17
This is getting tough. Since I have preached to paying attention to the process, I will do so now. I have spent all day avoiding writing. You know when you have something to do, and you don't really want to do it, so you convince yourself that cleaning out your sock drawer must be done this instant or the world might come crashing down? That's me today. I haven't cleaned my sock drawer yet, but have found lots of other stuff to do in order to avoid. Avoid writing, avoid thinking and reflecting. Maybe it is spring fever, maybe it's a busy weekend.
I just can't get there today. I have spent the day feeling a bit guilty about avoiding my commitment to writing, but that ends now. I am accepting of myself, and the space I am in today. I am only human.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
J
This is getting tough. Since I have preached to paying attention to the process, I will do so now. I have spent all day avoiding writing. You know when you have something to do, and you don't really want to do it, so you convince yourself that cleaning out your sock drawer must be done this instant or the world might come crashing down? That's me today. I haven't cleaned my sock drawer yet, but have found lots of other stuff to do in order to avoid. Avoid writing, avoid thinking and reflecting. Maybe it is spring fever, maybe it's a busy weekend.
I just can't get there today. I have spent the day feeling a bit guilty about avoiding my commitment to writing, but that ends now. I am accepting of myself, and the space I am in today. I am only human.
About me:
1. I am a rightionist who is striving to wing it every once in a while.
2. I am inspired by others; I am on this earth to relate to others. I am a social worker.
3. I love stuff, until it turns to shit.
4. I am aware of extraordinary growth, even on ordinary days.
5. I embrace change, if it's my idea.
6. I am willing to commit to the smaller stuff; I will find strength in pain.
7. I have to find my own way. I have found my way to loving writing, and am on my way to loving myself.
8. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a cousin and a best friend. I belong to a family.
9. My hope springs eternal.
10. I am able to realize when it's time to simplify.
11. I have talents; I am an academic, an artist, and many other things yet discovered.
12. I immerse myself in words; I am a connoisseur of reading, writing and speaking.
13. I am a control freak searching for calm waters.
14. I am accepting of my nerdiness.
15. I am eternally learning.
16. I can't do this alone.
17. I am human.
J
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